welcome to me...

exams... the dreaded exams...

2009-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

4th year is one god-damn bitter pill to swallow down. i've been having 4 reports a week on average and the worst part is i'm starting to not understand some stuff that the teachers are s=trying to teach. well, i don't think i'm the only one that is facing that problem. the fact of the matter is there is too much of information to munch through and on top of that, there is virtually no time for revision (at least for me) to tackle all the homework and other stuff i am doing. the exams are just around the corner (in another 10 days?) and i am so not prepared for the 14 subjects... god help me please :P
hahaha, getting through tough spots are my specialty, so don't worry about me. recently nothing much happened, malas want to upload the photos of sii lee's birthday here since he is already doing in face book hahaha... i'm so evil. until the exams finish i don't think i'll actually update on anything interesting... sorry and ta-ta...

just some random thoughts...

2009-05-21T04:29:00.000-07:00

In life, do you ever feel that you've reached your limit and you don't want to try anymore? it's had to grasp on to the thing you want most and you feel lost. i don't know why but i feel like i am at this crossroad right now, and i'm having trouble picking out the road i want.
recently, about a month ago, after i came back here, i started to realize that i have so many things wrong in me, and i'm slowly trying my best to change, and because of that, i'm facing a lot of hurdles. hurdles, if you were supposed to jump over them, you would do it naturally, but if you are forcing yourself, then there is this unknown force that keeps you from jumping higher up past these hurdles.
ya, i know i'm talking crap, but what i mean to say is, when you set your own targets, it seems so much more harder to reach them, but when others set you a target, it seems that much easier to reach it. and, i started realizing why, because only you know how far you can go, and you will push yourself, further and further, because you know your limits.
yesterday i was about to give up all my plans, and just let myself slip into free fall. but i guess i have to go further than that, since i have nothing to lose. i wish i had my vigor from before, i wish i can turn back time.

i know i can't,
that's why i try,
to find a finer,
to be a better,

not always easily solved,
but always arising easily,
problems are there unending,
your prerogative to end,

find a shining light,
in the darkest corner,
find your way home,
even if you're lost...

cycling competition???

2009-05-18T18:49:00.001-07:00

i don't know why the japanese people here like to put competition behind everything here. the cycling competition is held every year, but it isn't a competition, it's just us and our tutor riding our bicycles up to a spot for a barbecue. yup, that is the main point, BBQ!!! and suddenly this year, the teachers decided to cancel the BBQ for some planetarium visit, without even asking us. wei jian, my senior, decide he was not going to go with it, and after asking me to tag along with him, we went and 'discussed' it with our teachers.

teacher: it might rain this weekend so we think that eating the box lunches are the best choice.
me:... if it is so... (sad face) (look at wei jian)
wei jian: (even sadder face) teacher, this is our last time, we all have been looking forward to this event for so long...
teacher: (pitying us) let me ask around...
we: thank you!!!

well, the actually conversation was for about an hour, but the main point is we made ourselves look pathetic and the teachers fell for it. hehehe...
well we had the BBQ in the end without any cycling, and they ended up naming it the BBQ competition...
well, we had a lot of fun. and we got to know the tutors better, and here are a few photos of the event...
cooking the food
the food
the juniors tutors and us
me pushing sii lee of a cliff...
group photo

mother's day...

2009-05-10T06:37:00.000-07:00

just read somebody's blog and he wrote about mothers day and how one of his friend's mom just passed away recently. is it just me or do japanese not celebrate today? well, i have been doing a lot of thinking recently.
one of my thoughts, well is about my mom... i remember so well the times i relied on her for every single thing i needed. they (my family) sent me a few pictures of them and me together last year, so i wouldn't miss them. in one pic, i was sleeping on her lap, and she and i were both smiling. i really, clearly, crisply remember that feeling, the feeling that even when the world crumbles around me, they and she will always shield me. at that time, i was having a difficult break up with my girlfriend(?). and mom knew every inch of pain that i felt, and that made me stronger, for her i'll live and break through anything, that's what i always say to myself when i come to a high wall.
and for this past year, i feel like i'm reaching out but there is nothing to grasp or hold on to, because, she isn't here with me and neither are they. i think i've become more better looking, more intelligent and all, but, i still feel this gaping hole in my heart, that i've nothing. i have very little solace here except my seniors and juniors, which i really thank. i feel very empty these days, wonder if the people around me realize that... i miss my family too much i guess...
i've done a lot of growing in this past three years, change from a brat to a man, started viewing life differently. but like my mom always used to tell me when she was pampering me, 'no matter how much you grow up, you'll always be my little baby', guess that even though i ain't so little anymore, i'm still her baby...

at dawn,
wake to her smile,
listen to her chatter,
eat her love filled meal...

at dusk,
my hand she holds,
my way she guides,
always showing the right way,

if i had a world to trade,
i'll still have nothing to compare to your love,
but if i had a few words to give you,
i'd say i love you again and again...

my mom, i wonder when i can eat her food again, wonder when i can listen to her stories again, and i wonder when i can lay down on her lap again. and smile like everything is good, and nothing else matters, even if for just that few minutes...

golden week, to vie and tire...

2009-05-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

it was a tiring week for me, and i don't think i'm gonna get any rest for the next few weeks too either. basically since our seniors took us to golden week last year, i guessed we had no other choice but to take our juniors to tokyo too, and i thought it was going to be boring...
but i have never been any more wrong than that in my life, to see my batchmates again, i think i'd travel up and down at least another ten times. i felt like crying everyday i woke up during that 4 days because i knew we were a step closer from separating again. i nearly cried so many times, but i guess i was to 'manly' to cry... i don't want to drag my emotions on cause i think many people already think i'm too emo... but i want to say this, i really miss all of you my friends... i love you all...
and to my batchmates that read this, i want to say one thing, i enjoyed our hokkaido trip, a lot. there was a few parts that i didn't like, but obviously that happens when you travel and you are tired. some kohais said i said that i didn't like the trip, the truth is that they asked me how was hokkaido and i said this, 'the time we went was a little bit wrong, some flowers, fruits and foods where not in season and we couldn't see them.' i hope none of you get the wrong idea.

of times and days you don't feel like doing anything...

2009-04-30T06:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a holiday, and we had our hostel sports festival. two events, volleyball and badminton. i didn't want to take part in volleyball but my friend came up to me and said 'we are short of one person, won't you join us?' and i couldn't find it in my heart to reject his offer. truth is i like to play volleyball, just not in that particular team, cause there is this one irritating girl who think she is so good (well to a certain extent she is good but...) and likes to look down on me, or so i think. well i just don't like the pressure i get when i play with her, cause she always wants to win. well... we won two and lost two in the end, quite a 'bad' results for us, because we were supposed to be so 'strong' with me in front... and her blabbering away... i hate her...
badminton on the other hand, my team name, yes, MY team's name was 'foreign student team + one japanese' the name gives us away right? hahaha... we were tipped to win since a vietnamese junior and i were on our side, and all the others on our team were also not half as bad in fact, i think they were on par with me. i was named captain, i don't know how, and i couldn't prevent a giggle from getting loose during the first round match when taufik (my batch mate) yelled 'our captain is so cool!!!' well my first match was against a guy and a girl, the girl, two years my junior, pissed me of during the week in an 'incident'. i just realized i'm starting to hate girls... but hell, i don't care... well, but the point is, i didn't want to let my team down, so i was a bit serious, and i had this part of me were i don't smash girls, so i was smashing the guy and after about 5 points, i felt pity for the guy... hehehe, his face was like, please don't humiliate me in front of this girl, but after 10 points, i started letting up and let them get a few points. the next few matches were quite lame too, in the end i looked like a really serious coach when i was giving orders to the other teams and going 'nice shot', 'don't mind'. well at the end of the day, i felt kind of useless for taking advantage of all the weaklings... Wuhahahahaha.... ya we won the badminton thing, but wasn't too happy, cause we knew we'd win...
what we won, 500 yen coupons for the koperasi
the proof of winning

stUck IN tHe miDDle...

2009-04-18T01:31:00.000-07:00

not exactly stuck, just in the middle i guess. time flies, i really get the meaning nowadays, i still remember when i was speeding down highways with my friends and haunting the cyber cafes until the wee hours of the morning, never once in those times i've thought i'd be separated from my friends and family, not once. now it's been a whole year and i've barely been able to spend anytime with my family and high school friends.
but in contrast, i've gained quite a lot of new friends and i've gained a lot more of new experiences. i started to realize how young and raw i am compared to this world, and i've come to point where i want to face these challenges rather hide behind others.
with my new juniors here, and me becoming head for foreign students in the dormitory, i guess i'm trying to prove myself, prove myself to myself not others anymore.

For only if you believe,
only can others start believing,
never ever doubt yourself,
for everybody else will,

For only if you run,
only can others start walking,
if you stay stuck,
you will be left,

For in our own lives,
only we make our choices,
let's make right ones,
let's make a difference.

celebrating alan's birhtday + celebrating new kohais arrival
don't they look alike?
vietnam guys... (you'll have trouble understanding what they are trying to say)
wan ying and her kohai(pui san) wore the same shirt... ahhh... so sweet...

a holiday i remember...

2009-04-11T00:17:00.000-07:00

well... time i wrote something before people start shouting at me again...
i spent my spring holidays at my sweet home in malaysia. i can't remember feeling as relaxed and as calm as i felt last month. amma (mother) cooked and cleaned my every single thing, i didn't have a chore left to do, and God bless her, because she doesn't know the truth that i can only be lazy there. appa (father) took care of everything else for me, the best part was when he thought me how to cut a chicken and how to make yogurt (the successful and unsuccessful way). God i had a fun time with my dog, Shiro too, damn i miss him. he always throws tantrums and plays with us roughly, but i know in his heart, he loves us all, especially my elder brother. akka (elder sister) spent us much time as she could with me, i know right now she is still thinking that she should have spent more time with me, but i know how hard it is for her right now, and i wish her all the best, because i can't be there to be with her right now. anna (elder brother) he is the greatest, one person that i admire, he canceled all his appointments with his friends just to be with me. i now sleeping in the same room as him when i was there gave him some comfort that he can still look after his younger brothers. mayu oh mayu, my dear little brother, i hope you are studying well, and i hope you are not giving them trouble.
to all my friends out there, i know, i didn't come and see all of you as much as i could, i wanted too, but one month is never enough to come and see all of you. i miss all of you very much and i'm not even sure whether i'll even get to see some of you all again.
it frightens me at times when i turn back and look, i don't recognize the old me anymore, i want more and more now, it almost feels like a lust which can never satiated... well, for now... i don't want to write about that...
my house!!!
my dog!!!
my mom!!!

oops... i did it again...

2009-04-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

i played with your mind... and i did not update my blog... i'm not that innocent...
well i tried my best...
there is a very simple reason why i didn't not update my blog, the internet in malaysia is slow... it's so simple, so for the past one month during my spring break, i have been spending quality time with my family. i feel a little sorry cause i couldn't meet all the friends i wanted to, i miss many of them dearly, but the 'damage' done to me by staying here in japan too long is that i treasure my family more and i had to spend as much time with them as i possibly could.
today is the first day of school, i really am not quite sure what is going to happen but i hope i get of on the right foot. i don't really want any extra responsibility than i already have right now. i'm actually looking forward to classes and all this year, i want to do my best this time around and hope it will help me get into a good university. my next post will be later this weekend... will try to get some photos uploaded by this saturday. i promise!!!

hmm...

2009-02-24T00:28:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is the first official day of my exam, haven't studied for tomorrow's exam yet, not confident about it some more... don't know what i'm doing, but don't worry, i'll be fine. i've been having this weird dreams recently, i wake up in my sleep and do all kinds of weird things, i go to school, but the way people treat me, look at me, everything feels different, nothing is funny though, it just feels like another passing by until i suddenly realize that, that isn't me, and when i look into a mirror, i see myself, the same me, but with a different smile, and i'm trapped, i can't wake up even though i know i'm asleep, and as i struggle within, i feel weird, i see his eyes, even though everyone treats him kindly, more kind than they would treat the normal me, he feels sad, and i stop struggling and gaze into his eyes...
the eyes where nothing exists, no purpose, no feelings,
the eyes of mine which i am more afraid to face than anyone else...

i realized in those eyes, were my own deepest fears, no reason, that's what i fear most, to be alive but not have a reason to be alive... it's the worst feeling i can ever have, i know i'm thinking too much recently, since i really miss home, and i just want to go back. but, this time around, i need to find a lot of answers, to questions that i'm asking myself sub-consciously. i used to be a coward, but not anymore..... live by your own words, and live for yourself... don't hide behind others...

farewell

2009-02-22T02:28:00.000-08:00

it's not that i want to leave you behind,
it's just that i have to leave you behind,
it's not that i don't want you,
it's just that i can't have you...

in a time where all i want is for your eyes to fall on me,
it doesn't,
in a time when all i think of is your smiling smiling face,
it hurts...

let me go, i know that you may still be here,
let myself go, i know that i may still be here,
here in a moment caught between now and then,
not knowing if i should hold on or let go...

fare well my love, farewell,
we might meet again someday, if fate says so,
but for now, i've got to leave you and go,
i know it might not matter to you, but it does to me,
and for all the times i've hurt you, i'll say sorry,
and for all the times you've hurt me, i'll try forgetting,
but for now,
fare well my love, farewell... for now...

it might have been a short acquaintance,
but i remember ever detail of you,
how you laugh and the way you stare blankly into air,
while you think of everything but me,

i know i'm just a shadow in your life,
nothing important but just always there,
it might be hard for me to grasp the reality that i don't matter to you,
but it matters to me, it matters to me....

fare well my love, farewell,
we might meet again someday, if fate says so,
but for now, i've got to leave you and go,
i know it might not matter to you, but it does to me,
and for all the times i've hurt you, i'll say sorry,
and for all the times you've hurt me, i'll try forgetting,
but for now,
fare well my love, farewell... for now...

ps: this is about a japanese girl who probably doesn't give a crap that i exist but some how i keep thinking of her and it is starting to get on my mind, so i just wrote a song (and blew it out of proportions) so i can focus on studying for my exams... v^.^v
plus a silly photo!

Ichigo time!!!

2009-02-16T01:38:00.000-08:00

you know, when you are single and valentine day dawns and you feel like crap? think so... wrong! i and three of my seniors went to a strawberry farm last saturday, and bought ourselves 30 minutes of all you can eat strawberries... at first i was skeptical, cause i never have eaten a sweet strawberry in my life... but i promise you, the strawberries here are super big and super sweet. we picked ichigo-gari, which meant pick and eat in the farm itself, so freshness was at it's best and pesticide was probably not used in the vinyl houses... well this past few posts, i've been writing too much, so, i'm gonna let pictures do the talking for me this time...

Hiroshima... (about the atomic explosion museum)

2009-02-08T01:14:00.000-08:00

--First let me begin with the explanation of the museum we went to on the first day of our visit to Hiroshima. The Nuclear Explosion Dome Museum it's direct Japanese translation is located in the middle of a large park (the Peace Park) erected in the memory of that fateful day. A mere 50 yen (RM 2) is charged as an entrance fee. Upon entering the first part of the museum, a 3 minute video introduction is played. A rough idea on what happened in Hiroshima is explained to those who are not familiar with the incident. Pre-world war 2 posters are hung in a gallery form explaining the beginning of the Pacific war (including the invasion of Manchuria and Russia). Then history and creation of the atomic bomb is shown in these posters too. The reasons why Hiroshima was chosen as the target for the bomb is also explained in minute detail through letters sent and received by generals and presidents. A scale model of before and after the bombing is what follows next. After this you continue to the second floor where a recorded of Hiroshima's city history chronologically is written down. This is followed about the present situation of the world and countries still possessing nuclear weapons and efforts to stop nuclear warfare. As you try to absorb in the enormous amount of information you have been feed, you have a chance for a breather when you look at the souvenirs and pass through a sky bridge with breath-taking views of the park be low which connects the two parts of the museum together. The last part of this museum, the more gruesome part is the story of the victims and things left behind by these people.
--The first thing I realized when i entered this museum is that I knew a lot about what happened and I wanted to deepen my knowledge in what happen during that time. The first thing that caught my attention was the fact why Kyoto was not chosen as a site for the bombing, because it was to serve as the post-war capital for Japan according to American forecasts. I always thought that Hiroshima and Nagasaki was chosen because of the military facilities or power plants located in the area, but the truth is I was very wrong, Hiroshima was chosen based on its size and population as key properties. The atomic bomb, to the Americans at the time was to be used as a means to justify research costs and be shown to the world as a destructive force. Therefore, we could say that Hiroshima was more of a place to display the power of the atomic bomb at it's max capacity. The part that made me sad was the part where Hiroshima was never air-raided to lower the guard of the Hiroshima town's people. It was saddening that when the bomb exploded the air-raid sirens had just stopped signaling to people that it was safe to go out. The time, 815 am, was the worst time to be possibly chosen since, it was the commuting time for most people.
--The bomb exploded 600 meters above ground, instantaneously creating a massive fireball the melted even stones. To think that pouring hot water on yourself, 100 degrees Celsius is unimaginable, imagine 2000 degrees rock melting temperatures, you literally melt and disappear. A 3 kilometer radius of the fireball was reduced to nothing. 90% of buildings collapsed and crushed or trapped people inside. The shock-wave created sent glass in every direction, concrete walls where penetrated with glass, imagine what it could do to people. The infamous shadows are left where people stood because the rocks (concrete) turned white when contacted with direct heat but when humans or animals were around, their bodies shield the rock from heat thus leaving a shadow. On the second floor where most Japanese people cried, was the fate of those who suffered the effects of nuclear fallout, or better known as radiation, listed in the chronological events list. The Americans studied these people to find out the long term effects of radiation without treating them for any illnesses, until this day though, there is no concrete result to show what exactly happens to those victims. The Japanese government started to pay for the cost of treatment for these people (the official atomic bomb radiation victims only), to me, a small burden lifted of the shoulders of the suffering people. In the following section, a lot of interesting facts of talk on how to abolish nuclear weapons and hindrances faced. America again, is the top of the list with most nuclear weapons, and with all talks of banning nuclear testing, sub-critical nuclear bombs are still being tested and countries like America and Russia who hold enough information on nuclear explosions can find the answers they need from these sub-critical explosions based on the data they already have from previous nuclear explosions. So, inadvertently there is nothing being done now, or able to be done against the stock piling of nuclear armaments. I feel it funny though, that we can still sleep at night not knowing if a rain of nuclear missiles are going to fall from the sky onto us.
--In the last part of this museum, the untold story of many victims are held in the item that once used to be theirs. Clothes, mostly of school children lay in this museum. Lunch boxes, watches, shirts, pants, and all kinds of things were left behind. Most people in this section ignore the stories written down and ignore the black marks and darkened blood on these clothes. One story read about how a girl died in the clothes she sewed herself, a summer uniform, what she had been looking forward to, to run around and play in her clothes, yet... Most children according to the stories died at their parents side. Something that makes me cry even right now, to watch your own child die, is worse then having your skin ripped from you alive. One father whose 3 year-old son died while riding his tricycle, was so grieve-stricken that he refused to bury his son alone, he buried his son's tricycle and helmet with him, saying that he is too young to be without it. My heart has never been broken into so many pieces before, all my words cannot explain the grief i felt when i read about this father.
--There are countless other stories, many which will be left untold for a long long time to come and remain buried in a lost history. I would like to reiterate the fact that in no war there is right, and therefore, there is also no wrong. During war, people do what is needed best to benefit the country that they live in. To me, the atomic bomb was the sign of the end of the war. People may blame Russia, or America for the fate of Japan, but truth be known that if the Axis had that power (people should realize that Germany was also in development of nuclear arms at that time), they would have used it too. In no ways am I saying that I'm not disgusted by the choices made during that time, and in no way am I trying to justify anyone, we should realize the fact that, when war breaks out, everyone will only stand for themselves, and we should respect to a certain extent, the choices made by those people back then, because trust me that it was hard for them too. We should realize the atrocities of war, the fate of people who suffered and die in the worst conditions we can imagine. One family, a sister and a brother (in their 20s) rummaged through the remains of the house where 3 cousins, their grandparents, aunt, and mother was in during the explosion, the house close to the epicenter of the blast, was almost vaporized. Yet they found a small ceramic bowl which they used to eat with when they were young, their grandchild donated the bowl to the museum. Most people would be sadden by the fact of their loss, but look deeper and you'd find the hope they found in that bowl, the house was totally destroyed yet, the bowl was untouched, and their grandson is still alive, which means they fought to live on, from the rubles of a city and from the rubles of hearts, they, all the citizens of Hiroshima built a new world from dust.

for in our hearts,
lies a shrine indestructible,
the strength called hope,

for in our hearts,
lies a light unending,
the power called love,

for in our hearts,
lies a place serenely,
a place called home,

for in every heart,
hope gives us power,
love gives us warmth,
thus from ashes we can rise again...

horrors we never want to see again
marks seared onto skin based on clothes designs...
the story of a tricycle...
not everything is so bad...

Like a famous writer once wrote in the memory books 'less talk more action...'

Thinking of you...

2009-01-29T17:02:00.000-08:00

looking back every time,
i see you there,
you were always there,
in my darkest hours,
in my brightest days,
always with a smile,
never frowning at me,
my every simple whim,
was happiness to you,
i miss you so,
and i realize now,
the depth of love,
cause my love is,
forever and ever now,
i know now that,
you are my everything,
and there is nothing,
in this small world,
i'd exchange you with...

thinking of you...

thinking of you here,
calamity in my calmness,
terror in my tranquility,
sickness in my soul...
all this means nothing,
for cure is you,
and you are here,
always in my heart...
nothing is more important,
than your warm hands,
than you soothing words,
than your smiling face...

you are my family and my friends, i miss you all, and i can't wait to see you all again in malaysia, hope this one month flies by, so i can be with you all again.
dedicated to my mother, i know it stinks >.< since i wrote it spontaneously, but i got my feelings out, so i don't care... hehehe

emotion...

2009-01-22T08:31:00.001-08:00

wait!!! before you read this, i'm gonna warn you that is totally crap and you will not like it if you are not an emotional type of person... please read only if you have time to waste...

you've been warned...

ever felt like you give yourself away in parts? i don't know if anyone realizes it yet, but i often make presents and write poems with the power i have, often spending hours and hours, i know it often looks and sounds childish, but no one has ever asked me why i do it still... the truth is i feel like i'm giving a part of myself away, and i feel when a person who loves me comes along, she'd realize it too and love me back... i've gone over this process a million times, giving every girl i liked (even if just a bit...) a present of some kind... but so far, seriously no one understood it's significance, until now that is. a girl gave me back a postcard with her drawing on it, and a shy letter (considering the fact she is a tomboy-type girl). and for once in my life my heart started to race, and i felt happy, i felt that i could relate to her feelings and she could mine...
but just when things started to go my way, i backed away, i felt lacking, i felt that i wasn't good enough, she wasn't the prettiest girl with the pettiest wishes but... i don't know, i just let her go. and i realized all my life i've been like this, i try my best not to get close to the people i love, cause i know, that when you are close enough, you are close enough to hurt them. i knew that for a fact when i got tangled with a girl last year, i won't lie and say i don't miss her at all, but i hope she is happy without me. the reason i've been able to let go is because the other people around me treasure me and take too good care of me, my family especially. i know no matter what happens to me, i'll always have a home to go back to, no matter the circumstances, and i've become a person that wants to care too, because everyone seems to take care of me, and i'm too afraid of hurting anybody anymore.
i rather she hate me now than love me, cause i know my love is lacking right now, i hope she does well. i hope i can always be her friend because i'd hate to lose her more than anything else right now,i know i sound stupid and most people are going to say, just tell her, what's the worst thing that could happen, well the worst thing that can happen is that we both could lose our friendship, which i rather not lose than confess my dumb feelings to her. seriously, anyhow, i'd find it hard for anyone let alone a japanese girl to every like me.
well, that's the end of the 'sad part'.
i know i tend to think too much, and i know that most people's advice is not to worry too much. the thing is i'm not worried at all, maybe not at all, but mostly i'm not worried. i don't mind being a little lonely at times, and to me, giving a bit of my happiness away is giving it to someone else to enjoy, which i still think is a good bargain. for this girl, she is going to work once she graduates from here, i actually think she should continue with her degree, but i don't know enough about her to ever be able to convince her that, that is my only regret since she is kind of smart to me. thinking of her smile and remembering how she laughs is a kind of relaxant to me, it makes me feel calm knowing that she is happy right now (remember i still don't believe that there is a person in this world that will like me for who i am). seeing her postcard, makes me realize that, it ain't to bad to be me and make others happy. and thanks to her, for now, i can still go on being me...

and to those people who read until here who are confused and don't understand anything that i said... i warned you... hahaha...

i love her handwriting, and could admire it for hours...
her picture, it may look stupid to most people, but to me, it depicts her perfectly

a year ends...

2009-01-17T20:53:00.000-08:00

i was wanting to post this for so many weeks already, put never had the time nor heart to write it...
in one short year i feel i've grown so much that most people wouldn't recognize me anymore. i know i sound like i'm exaggerating but it's true, i found, lost then fond love again. i've come to know what existences are, what friends are for, what life is about. all my life i've tried to sacrifice myself so others can live happily, but in the last year, i learned that some people just want to see you die so they can live. i'm not proud to say it, but i learned how to be a bit more selfish. for once in my life, i really feel like living just for the fun of living. when i sit down now, i don't need to think much anymore, cause i know a lot more already.
to me, this year is my year of destiny, my time to change and move past the cocoon i was in and become a butterfly. this year, i'll be able to accept myself for who i am, and not what i'm supposed to be... since some people were complaining about how much words there are on this blog, i'll try to minimize it...i found new friends and people who love me for who i am, and i know they're missing me even right now, cause i miss them...i left my dear friends and family behind to start a new life, far from where and what i was, and full of uncertainty...my seniors weren't my seniors, they are more like my brothers and sisters, and i'm so blessed to have them here with me, wan ying, sii lee, wei jian, chiang shen and all, i really love you all... and thanks for everything and all things to come...met my old friends and felt their importance to me... found new ways to waste money...started to realize i still can have fun even though there were things in my past that can't be corrected...
found people who i like and like me for being me...saw snow for the first time...
.
.
.
.
.
like a wild flower, sometimes there are weeds around us that we can't do anything about, but we still bloom, for because only we know and can show others how beautiful we are...
let's have a great new year to come... wish peace will come, cause like the saying goes, the night is darkest just before dawn, let us pray that evil will die from our hearts and our Gods gives us peace... live and let live...

hmm... what have i been up to?

2008-12-23T14:31:00.000-08:00

most of my readers would have already abandoned me... sorry la... malas want to update la got nothing to talk about also...
well mostly is wasting my money... *sigh* don't know when i'll be able to save money hahaha... i got my hair done into corn rows... when i got time i'll post the pictures up for you all to see, the thing about this hairstyle is, it hurts, it itches, it gets in the way, but it's cool. i couldn't stand it and i took it out today, because the fact that my scalp was itching like mad was like it was giving me a signal, 'if you don't take it off, we are going to come off...' hahaha, i learned my lesson and i'm not ever going to waste my money and do something so wild again. but it was fun for when it lasted. going to head to osaka now, going to spend Christmas in USJ. and before i forget,

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

well, i'm still all alone... not! hahaha, Mr. Hii and Mr. Wong will be accompanying me, so i guess it won't be too bad cause i got this two great 'brothers' to take care of me. you know, i seem to be falling in love with a girl again, but the thing that is different about this time is, i can't exactly put my finger on it, but i feel so happy just looking at her smile, and for the first time in my life, i can accept her as a friend rather than ignore her and do all kinds of childish stuff... guess i'm growing up already... hahaha, not planning on chasing her, but i really hope she starts chasing me, but can't expect much from a Japanese chick can i?
after osaka, we are going to go to nagaoka for our ski trip. so i won't be here for another two weeks.

anyways i got this email, about the economy in Zimbabwe which i think is funny and at the same time saddening, well, think for yourselves...

header of email...

What the real crisis is like!
If you think that the current economic crisis is something that has never happened in history before, you may be wrong! After the collapse of the agriculture sector in Zimbabwe in 2000, the inflation in that country skyrocketed to 231 million percent a year! Just think about it - 231 000 000%! Unemployment went up to 80% and a third of country's population left it.

What can you buy with it? Well, these 3 eggs for example.

is what we have with us never enough?

2008-12-04T07:09:00.000-08:00

some people say, if only i had this...
i feel kind of worried when i read the 'papers' (the online version) these days. well, with all kind of political stuff that i can barely comprehend happening i wonder if people stop to ever smell the flowers by the roadside. in our community nowadays, people tend to have tunnel vision, you know what is tunnel vision? tunnel vision is a saying used in horse racing where the horse has restricted vision and can only see what is front of it, by not being able to see what there is on both sides, the horse has only one goal, forward. nowadays people fix eye covers so that their horses have tunnel vision too. get the idea? we ain't horses... when we move too fast, we start forgetting, we start forgetting what is important.
truly i believe people nowadays would rather save a tonne of money then spend it with friends and family. i wonder if money is taking over us, all we see nowadays is money, and i feel stupid when i do the same too. i'm not implying that i'm greater than anyone, but i'm asking you to realize that, we are losing our values, ourselves. just a few weeks back, someone told me thank you, and i smiled and said it's nothing. but she stared back at me and said, ‘優しくしてくれて、ありがとう．．．’or thanks for caring about me. all i did was cook her dinner, since she always only eats rice balls everyday, i thought making her dinner one day would make her happy and i made her some simple fried rice, her smile i will never forget, because her smile was one of gratefulness, and i ask you, have you seen that recently? people seem to move too fast around me, why doesn't anyone want to just look up at the stars and wonder which one is bigger, why doesn't anyone want to just scream out into the sea and laugh out loud? why doesn't anyone want to realize that the best joy you can find in life is finding that hidden happiness in people's eyes?
maybe i'm just mad and i'm stupid, but that makes me me, i want to live my life without believing the lies people tell me, i don't want to be bound to the ground and drag the chains that shackle me... i want to be the way i am, free... what i have to me is enough, an almost clear conscience, so before you think of saving the world, save yourself first...
peace la... just wanted to write out my thoughts... hehehe

Another boring day...?

2008-12-03T04:27:00.000-08:00

hmm... nothing much happened today... just another ordinary day... nothing interesting to talk about... just like so many days have passed here... i call it boredom... went to the 'beach' by myself... i call it beach cause there is a little bit of sand, but others call it i don't know what... started throwing rocks into the sea. matched my own record and bounced one 6 times. many people don't know how to make a rock 'jump' on water... i remember when my dad taught me that, if i'm not mistaken when i was around 6 or 7 years old. he took a rock and flung it into the water yet it didn't sink it jumped... at that time, i as so amazed and tried to do it eagerly... i remember picking up a rock and throwing it and it sank immediately with a big 'plop' sound. and i remember staring at my dad, with my 'why' written all over my face, i remember at that time i was kinda fat, not kinda i guess, just really fat, and people used to pinch my cheeks and say how cute i was... (good memories good memories...) my dad looked at me and said, 'find a flat rock, and throw it as close to the surface as you can...' with a few nods, i tried again and again under my dad's watch. and when i finally did manage to make it jump twice, i was so happy... life then seems so much like a distant memory. throwing rocks nowadays makes me think of physics, of how when the diagonal movement of the rock and a large surface area makes the rock seem to jump because it could not overcome the surface tension of water. yes, there is a stupid badly drawn diagram of how it happens in my head now. but it ain't all that bad, when i first jumped the rock twice, i was so happy and i remember my dad smile too. we weren't always the luckiest family back then and i remember how hard my parents tried to make us happy with whatever little we had. my mom never failed to cook and feed me a meal i loved everyday even though it was so much trouble to her (till today, i still love the way she smiles when she feeds me), cleaned my clothes and did so much that it is hard for me to mention. my dad, i remember he used to work so much yet he always made time for my sister, my brother and i when he came back no matter how tired he was. i even remember a time when he photocopied a book on origami and kept the 3 of us occupied for what i guess was a month. i use to wait for him to come back to show him my badly folded planes and all. i don't know why, but i'm glad that i have my parents, and i often wonder why people say things like 'if i was born into a richer family' in awe and honesty, because to me, i will only be me, when i have my parents and my 3 siblings with me. one last thing, i read somewhere today that the greatest blessing for parents is a child, i disagree...
'my greatest blessing is my parents...'
i miss you all a lot, and i love you all a lot...

wait... why am i getting so lazy these days...

2008-11-29T23:16:00.000-08:00

a handphone strap is that cute thing that japanese people put around their handphone like this...
normally all i need was half an alarm clock to wake me up about 3 months ago, i mean half an alarm clock by the fact that i used to wake up earlier than the clock and switch it off before it rang. yet nowadays, after setting 5 different times on my hp alarm system... i wake up to see my phone on the floor and the time way past when i was supposed to wake up (apparently i'm becoming cold towards my pitiful phone). recently a lot of work is coming to an end and i'm trying to take a break for the sake of my body i guess. people think i'm gonna have a lonely Christmas this year cause?
a. i don't have a girlfreind
b. not many malaysians will still be around during that time
japanese people think it's a, and all the rest of everybody thinks it's b.
truth is nobody is right, well maybe i will miss the fact that nobody is going to drink sparkling grape juice with me, but, the truth is i am not lonely. like randy said, i guess starting to feel lonely and sad at times is part of us growing up. the truth is these days, i find it much easier to be myself around japanese people and i really don't care if they are going to accept the things i do or not. recently a classmate of mine was talking to me, and she started telling me about how her parents want to see me because of the stories she told them about me, (one was when i mistakenly said a japanese slang word that she was teaching me and she started laughing at me, and i said to her i'll never teach her english again, and we both started laughing uncontrollably,it might not sound funny i guess but the situation we were in was quite funny, you have to see it to believe me.) and i realized if i was putting up a front, none of that would have actually happened. so, i guess, i'm going to start trying harder to be myself and not complain so much anymore... anyways test will start from 9th to 12th of december plus my design competition will be on the 14th, wish us luck!!!

sadness...

2008-11-20T17:36:00.001-08:00

before i start blogging again about serious stuff, i just wanted to write my feelings out... cause i got no where else to complain hahaha...

think, if you from small were always with people who were different from you, no one ever shows you kindness and you try to fit in so hard you have become a sponge, absorbing everything around you just for people to say that you are one of them. don't get me wrong and think that i'm blaming the people around me, i wouldn't be who i am without them, all of you who read this have changed my life, from my kindergarten years to now, i remember clearly the things i did that have changed me. it's hard to describe my feelings these few days, it has been ups and downs over and over i'm not sure if i'm stepping on glass shards or soft cotton anymore... everyone around me cared about me and many who are still around me still do...
but as i take every step into this wide world, i see that people are not all as good as the people i've met, people will hate you no matter how good you try to be. no matter how much good you do, it sometimes can't please people. and i wonder why i try so hard to be the best i can, even though i know people are just waiting for me to stumble. and i wonder why i try my best yet again.
recently, i lost my favourite handphone starp, and i wanted to cry, because sometimes i find it hard to trust the people around me here, and my handphone starp was my best friend at times, and when i lost her, i lost a lot of the remaining hope i had in myself. i searched and searched, but i couldn't find her, i couldn't, with tears going to roll down from my eyes, i spent the rest of my day in school, and no one knew how sad i was... no one, and it made me feel lonelier and lost more than ever. and, when i came back to my room, when i was about to fall in my bed and sleep, i found her, and the next thing that caught my eye was the Statue of God that i have in my room. He seemed liked he was smiling at me, and tears did roll down my eyes.
For everything in life is fragile, for the My God is not just a statue, He's a sign of hope, my sign of my fate. and we should realize that within every stumble, we find our footing again. we are never alone, for our God, our Hope, ourselves, is always with us, and i realized, i can give up on so many things in life, but the Hope inside of me, will never give up on me...

For within ourselves lies Hope,
For within ourselves lies faith,
For within ourselves lies God,

We move for ourselves,
We pray for ourselves,
We love for ourselves,

we are ourselves and;
for what we do,
changes everything around us,

nothing other than i,
nothing more than i,
nothing else but i.

the weight of our burdens is set on how we view this world, and i'm learning to live for myself, because like someone recently told me:
'if you think living for others, and thinking that sacrificing yourself for others is going to make them happy, you are wrong.'

no updates...

2008-11-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

my internet connection in my room has been severed due to some legal mumbo jumbo and i won't have internet for another two weeks, meaning updating my blog is going to be difficult (i already took a long break already) but no choice... sorry... and will start updating as soon as i get my internet connection back...

friday morning rain...

2008-10-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

friday morning rain is pouring,
steal some futons share some blankets,
clouds are shrouding me in moments i want to forget,
i twist to hid from my tutor,
but he tries so hard that i have to wake up now,
and i'd rather gladly stay in my bed and sleep some more,
if i knew class was going to make me sleep anyway,
if i knew class was going to make me sleep anyway...

i don't know about other people... but...

the scientific equation,

morning rain + darkness + a big comfortable futon + me = sleep

why do these people love to wake me up when it rains? i swear i'll bite the next person who wakes me up when it rains... can't we make it a public holiday if it rains in the morning? and after i drag myself to class, the teacher starts talking, and all i can hear is, '今日の授業はとてもつまらないので、寝てもかまへん' (today's classes are going to be very boring, it's alright to sleep) for god sake, the teachers here, some are so terrible... one guy, when i was copying his unreadable notes and listening to his unreasonable explanations... i was giving my hundred percent to try to understand him, then all of a sudden blank.... when i woke up, my notebook had a big mark on it, it seemed that i fainted from trying to hard to understand him, and the pencil i was using and writing notes with got dragged when i fainted and made a big big big awful line on my book... today when the weather is so good for sleeping, i don't thing i'd last more then 5 minutes in his class... well anyways... i'll try my best....

when someone's wish comes true...

2008-10-13T08:00:00.001-07:00

if you people haven't realized it yet, what i write is always my pure thoughts, and music is one thing that can really express my feelings without me busting into some long illogical explanation as why i find my life trivial and such... the thing is... what do we live for?
i live to become a hero, a person that will save people from their final failings... but here is the irony, for my wish to become true, are the people around me supposed to be helpless and be unable to live without me? i just realized something big a few weeks ago, at least to me, what we wish for often doesn't come true because not everyone can get what they want... sounds stupid and you were going to say, 'i knew that!' but think again, for you to get into a university, someone else fails, for you to earn 1000 dollars more, someone earns 1000 dollars less.
everyone's wishes doesn't come true at the same time...

utada hikaru - darekano negai ga kanou koro
(when someone's wish comes true)
小さなことで大事なものを失った
冷たい指輪が私に光ってみせた
「今さえあればいい」と言ったけど　そうじゃなかった
あなたへ続くドアが音も無く消えた

あなたの幸せ願うほど　わがままが増えてくよ
それでもあなたを引き止めたい　いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
そのまま扉の音は鳴らない

みんなに必要とされる君を癒せるたった一人に
なりたくて少し我慢し過ぎたな

自分の幸せ願うこと　わがままではないでしょ
それならあなたを抱き寄せたい　できるだけぎゅっと
私の涙が乾くころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
このまま僕らの地面は乾かない

あなたの幸せ願うほど　わがままが増えてくよ
あなたは私を引き止めない　いつだってそう
誰かの願いが叶うころ　あの子が泣いてるよ
みんなの願いは同時には叶わない

小さな地球が回るほど　優しさが身に付くよ
もうー度あなたを抱き締めたい　できるだけそっと

I've lost something important because of small things
The cold ring showed its glimmer to me
I said, "All I need is today," but that wasn't the case
The door to you vanished without a sound

The more I wish for your happiness, the more selfish I become
But still, I want you to stay, and I always did
When someone's wish comes true, she'll be crying
That way the door won't make a sound

I wanted to become the only one who can heal you, who is needed by everyone,
and I've endured it a little too much

To wish for own happiness is not selfish, right?
If that's so, I want to hold you as tight as I can
When my tears dry up, she'll be crying
That way, the ground under us won't dry up

The more I wish for your happiness, the more selfish I become
But you never hold me back, you never did
When someone's wish comes true, she'll be crying
Everyone's wishes can't be granted at once

As the small earth rotates, I learn to become more kind
I want to hug you once more, as soft as I can

what a busy life...

2008-10-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

emm... let's see... solve this equation...
design competition (making paper bridges)
+foreign student speech contest (in school)
+english speech contest (in akashi kosen)
+sports festival
+kosen (college) festival#
= ???
= to me dying... what the hell? why am i so busy one ah? who ask me to join this and that, some more i not yet +badminton club lagi... god... help me... i pray this 2 months past by fast... so i can go and ski with wei shen during winter...
ok ok erhemm...
serious a bit...
well i got my self pretty messed up here... i shouldn't be in so many of these things... why can't i see the future?! give me some strength to see the future if you don't want to give me magneto's powers please!!!
ERHEM... still not serious enough... i'm still blabbering... sorry...
i hope i can do well in the speech contest when i represent my school, i've got this phobia called legs-shake-violently-on-stage phobia a.k.a. stage fright. at least a used to have it when i was younger, now i don't know maybe it has become better or maybe it has become will-faint-on-stage syndrome... anyhow... the design competition team looks like they are trying to win this year, but with the fact the only think within a box, and new ideas seem to be out of the question for them... which is making me quite sick... but must endure... Omm... Omm... i started meditating recently to relieve a lot of unwanted stress... not working though... it only leads me to eating mid-night snacks... which is why i'm so fat now TnT ... since doing the design contest thing also collides with my badminton practice, i can't go for it... sigh... wanted to become better... SIGH...
yoshi yoshi!!!
i've got to work hard from now on, this post is just an impulse... i really hope i wasted your time!!!

speech contest???

2008-09-30T06:07:00.000-07:00

i was just sitting down and just day-dreaming reminding myself that i should update my blog and stuff... just when i decided not too, i read an e-mail sent to me by a friend about various scams to rob, rape, and even ravage a person... i meant murder when i said ravage if you didn't get it... i was just thinking is money or material wealth so important to people now that we would even forsake the lives of others just to get the things we want? i sometimes ask God why he made flesh so weak in the midst of lust and luxury... politics, gangsterism, terrorism, religion, faith, beliefs and so many other things nowadays are used as tools to garner money instead of it's original purposes... and i wonder why, why do people do this...

a terrorist who kills innocent people because people rather buy a coke then the local cola? funny isn't it, this is terrorism these days... i remember a time where people trusted the people they chose to lead them, people followed a person because of the greatness of that person... what has become to these people now? we follow the lead of old men who only think of the benefits they will reap from these people who trust them... funny isn't it, this is what our politics have become... a person kills a little girl that was laughing happily with her mother, when the weeping mother asks him why did he kill her daughter, he answers coldly, 'because she didn't smile at me...' funny isn't it, that is how invaluable a life has become now...

in our rapid changing world, people view differently what is needs and luxury... having a 40 inch wide screen television set with surround sound seems more important then taking care of our mothers. believe me, that i maybe young but i've seen the terrible things humans are capable of, but i'm not saying i've seen everything either, but trust me when i say that nowadays priorities are lost in a vast land of where fame and luxury rules over famine and suffering. if given a chance to wish for something, who many people here would wish for peace over money? i don't believe that even half would, because that's just the way we have become...

sometime i feel like a hypocrite myself and most of you all would think so too... i wonder what i can do to change too, not the world, but myself... it would take a greater mind than mine to think of ways to change the world, i find it amusing that what so little change we do in our lives can change the lives of so many others and yet we fail to do so in so many cases. think, saving a little water, saving a little electricity, donating a little bit to charity, praying a bit more to God, all of this can affect and change this world even if not a bit. people might think that this small change might not affect anything at all, but how wrong these people are we should realize now. there is a proverb in my country, 'sedikit, sedikit, lama-lama jadi bukit...' those who know this proverb might be laughing at me right now because this proverb is what we learnt during our kindergarten years. it literally means, a little by a little eventually becomes a mountain, meaning that no effort is too small. we are human beings, when you think of it, we are one of Gods most sophisticated creatures. just moving one of my finger here is the work of millions of cells, electric pulses, muscles and so much more.

what we leave in this world when we leave it is a memory of ourselves in those people who think we made a differnces in their lives. we leave not a trail of money or fame in our deaths, just memories that people will cherish or despise. so it is up to you to chose between the two, you may think now it is an easy choice, but those who have seen the other side of the moon know, not always doing the right thing is right... prove me wrong, prove to me that we are not as bad and terrible as i have said... i'd be happy if you do so... thank you for listening to my speech here...

he's everything you want....

2008-09-23T08:38:00.001-07:00

the words in this songs to me mean a lot and i realized this when i was way back in high school... this song totally rocks... you should listen to it if you have never heard it before...

"Everything You Want"
by vertical horizon

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

But under skinned knees and the skid marks
Past the places where you used to learn
You howl and listen
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone to push you away
There's always another wound to discover
There's always something more you wish he'd say

[Chorus]

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind
It's only what you're asking for
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time
It's only what you're waiting for

Out of the island
Into the highway
Past the places where you might have turned
You never did notice
But you still hide away
The anger of angels who won't return

[Chorus]
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why
And I don't know why
Why
I don't know

haunting...

2008-09-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

you know, i have three test left, am almost done studying for the two tests i have tomorrow... yes i know it's already midnight here and i'm supposed to sleep now... but well i can't help myself... i went to my tutors room just now, and the talk went from physics to the upcoming sports fest we are going to hold for autumn, one of my classmates who is going to play basketball with me was so cold towards me it almost felt like he was talking bad things about me once i left the room... but the thing is he ain't it's just that i'm getting paranoid... don't understand why but i can't trust anyone of these japanese people yet, and at times like these i wonder if i'll ever get around and trust them ever... since coming here i realized i've changed a lot, i've lost my inspiration to study suddenly and i've also lost my trust in people a lot, i'm always having thoughts that they are plotting against me, even my own friends... i never was like this back in malaysia, i always trusted who i called my friends 100 percent, can't understand why i'm changing like this...
i don't want to really change, even though many people have told me before there is no such thing as complete trust and such... but that is what made me, me... my regard that if you trust someone with all your heart they'd never betray you... and now i stand here feeling that all that i believed in is fake... why why why... i really hate to also say that i don't have a reason for turning like this so suddenly... i'm scared of myself now and i'm wondering if i can stop this change... people worry about me at home i know, i was the guy they always babysat and took care of, and now i'm here without my shield... but realize this, i won't know how a blow feels until i take one... i need a slap right now...
i'm not going to pin my mediocre performance in my tests this time on all this things, but all i can say is i didn't do this right this time, and there is still next time, and i need to do better in the next round...
i'll play basketball with him and i hope i can become better friends with him from now on out, and... i promise you all, i won't change... i'll be me, the short tempered, irrational, stubborn, lazy, and lucky me always... i love you all, and i miss my home a lot now, i miss my friends a lot now...
i wish you all could see me now... i wish i could see you all now...
but... i know i am here for you all, and you all are there for me...
and... i'll be the same me when i see you all again next year...

memories...?

2008-09-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

yesterday one of my super seniors (we call our seniors who are more than 2 years elder than us that) came back... coincidentally, he found my diary, and asked me if he could read it... i said yes and he read aloud the last page that i got shocked... was that even me... and then i guess due to my reaction, he stopped reading it. after he left, i read my diary once more, and i had gotten this smile on my face... so much time has passed away so fast that i don't know what to say anymore... what is written in it is what my heart felt at that specific moment or time when i started writing during my break-up period with my first love, you wouldn't believe how much spelling mistakes i made... what i did realize that, through out all those times, somebody was always with me...

i want to thank ah pang, siew wen, ah kee, alan fong, chee teng, thain hock, teck boon, boon leong, and all my high school friends.
i also want to thank chai ei, alan go, wei shen, elaine, bik ee, ming jing, yien san, and all my ppktj friends.
my family, i don't think my words nor peoms can express how happy i am to have you all to call my family... including shiro that is...
i want to thank teng sion ing too...

for the things that you all have done my eyes stream tears now, when my sorrow was more than i could handle, i always had you all to share it with...

for in my every tear, is a reflection of one of you,
for in my every smile, is a picture of one of you,
for my every effort, is an offering to each of you,
for my every fight, is a prayer to each of you.
as without sands the deserts aren't.
as without water the seas aren't,
as without you all i am not...

'sometimes we forget who is most important to us when they are with us...'

chaos in malaysia?

2008-09-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

you know, i'm but a student... i'm in japan now, and people here who don't know much of our country say 'sugoi' or great, that our country is filled with so many races... i may not understand much about this and that about politics and all, but, why are we all so stupid? sometimes the azan prayers does wake me up in the morning earlier than i expected, but so? sometimes the bell of hindu temples wake up those sleeping as well... it's not a matter of the noise, it's like more of a matter of what time you slept...i don't remember a single time when it ever bothered us... so many of us nowadays are becoming corrupted by so many different things, greed for money, lust for fame, jealousy for pride... is it so hard to understand that everybody on the outside is waiting for our country to collapse so they can laugh at us? i don't understand why some people always take the easy way out of things, i always feel like when i pass through a new challenge i learn something new, and i hope one day i can use what i learned to better myself, my family and my country...

i don't expect any of the foreigners 'invading' our country to even try to better it... i'm an indian, and i have chinese and malay friends but not a single indian friend, where else can this be real if not for my country malaysia... i don't understand the things happening in our country at all, it looks as though everyone is trying to undo all that we have worked for these 51 years... i really don't see why our politicians are fighting over so trivial things when there are still children going without food and begging on the streets... i feel disgusted that so many of us nowadays point fingers at each others faults but cover up our own using the name of race and religion. one uncle of mine when questioned about his religion answered 'my religion is not important for as long as i do good, Shiva, Allah, Jesus and all the other Gods will grant me good fate' and i hold that words very close to my heart. what good is it to say that you of this religion if you sin everyday? realize that nobody but us can help our country move forward... i write here for i feel that our country has hit a wall that halts our progress forward. since i was small, i used to dream when we sang 'Wawasan 2020' during our school assembly in a chinese school mind you, that our country had cool and crazy building scattered every where and we would all be using flying cars like in those western movies. are we really going to be able to reach our goals if we can't even join hands? when asked what nationality i am, i have never failed to answer malaysian, because i am proud to be one. yet when i was in malaysia, the answer were always like 'aku melayu', 'aku cina', 'aku india'... i don't see why people still can't understand that we don't hail from 3 countries, we are only one and all those people who still use those answers should learn the fact we are called Malaysians!!! no chinese from china or indian from india resemble indians and chinese from malaysia other than in looks.

i do understand that earning more money nowadays is important, but is it more important than your country and your own pride? i feel that in recent years, more and more of our younger generation has come to realize the walls that keep us separated are called hypocrisy. the older generation to me looks like it's trying it's best to strengthen these walls, why, i shall not say, because they seem more like my hypothesizes than truth. for me, it looks like it's time to break these walls, hold our hands together and walk towards our future hand in hand... Malaysians, i tell you this now as a 20 old year Government scholarship recipient studying in Japan and as a Malaysian, everybody is waiting for us to trip and fall face first into the dirt, i don't want it to happen and i'll do my best and study and bring home my knowledge to help my country when i am done here, but will you all do your part so there is still a Malaysia for me to come back to?

it's raining yet again...

2008-09-15T05:41:00.000-07:00

recently i've been writing a lot of rock and pop songs or poems or whatever you want to call them... i thought i would write one slow one inspired by this slow long rain that seems like it's stopping the blazing fire in my soul from burning me to ashes...

it's raining yet again
it's raining, as i wake up and rub my eyes,
i see you next to me, stealing my covers as you snuggle up to me,
your eyes are closed yet you stare at me with a sheepish smile,
as i stroke your hair, i wonder what i'd do without you,
as this cold morning shower drowns my sorrows,

i wake up, i leave you sleeping,
i try to make some coffee but i end up staring out,
into those gloomy skies, where i can only see so little,
then i see a bird, in it's nest, cuddling it's children,
and my heart grows warmer as i wonder if i can protect my child so,
but the thought breaks as you creep up from behind to hug me...

it's raining yet again, i may never know the sun today,
but i have her hand in mine,
and i don't mind that it's so cold,
it's raining like yesterday, and i may not know the sun today,
but i have you here with me,
and i don't mind cause you're my everything...
yeah yeah yeah yeah.... you're my everything...

you smile at me as you read my thoughts,
you let me see through your glowing eyes,
and i wonder, why should i be so blessed,
to have you by me during this cold morning rain,
i wonder and i wonder on and on...

it's raining yet again, i may never know the sun today,
but i have her hand in mine,
and i don't mind that it's so cold,
it's raining like yesterday, and i may not know the sun today,
but i have you here with me,
and i don't mind cause you're my everything...
yeah yeah yeah yeah.... you're my everything...

she could be your family, she could be your friends, she could be your boyfriend, she could be your girlfriend, she could be your God, she could be a complete stranger, but she knows you for who you are and no matter what your day seems like in the end, you have her...
if i ever learned anything in life,
'to be loved, first understand yourself, give out all the love you have no matter how painful it gets, and in time, it'll return to you'
people are at their worst nowadays, selfishness, greed and all kinds of famine have struck our world... most people don't believe or just have forgotten, that life is more beautiful than just all those material things, and starting just by yourself, does make a difference...

change our world before we have not a world left...

random ramblings 2

2008-09-11T06:08:00.000-07:00

well, my tests are starting next week yet i haven't studied one bit, but like i care... i'm sorry to say that this time i won't do as good as the last time cause i don't have my english subjects to pull up my average score again... and for the first time in my life i rather blog than go study... i wonder if it's only me, but do anyone of you ever wonder, i mean like think, if there is someone stealing glances at you... do they like you or do they feel totally weirded out by your presences? just that recently in the canteen, i get these glances over and over again from some people, i don't only mean girls, some guys too, i don't mean that they love me or such, just like in the sense that they want to become my friend or something? is it weird to feel that way? i guess so, without me realizing, i miss my home, my family, my friends so much already, but i know i'm here because i love them all, these things happening to me here, so much i can't comprehend or understand, but, you know, life always goes on, and i find myself enjoying my life more and more when i realize how short it is going to be... those glances won't last another month, but new things will come to overtake it, but for now, enjoy what you have, treasure it and live your life for the best not only the end...

I'm like you too
stealing glances from there,
i see your eyes,
but when i turn,
you hastily try turning away,

don't think i'm naive,
maybe i am different,
just touch my heart,
you'll feel the same beats,

my skin maybe darker,
my tone maybe lower,
but see me closer,
i have a heart too,

let me hold you,
i won't let go,
trust me you can,
i want to be friends,

the world maybe says,
that we're worlds apart,
but realize the truth,
that you'll always have me,

stop staring from afar,
feel my warmth closer,
and you will see,
i am just like you...

what's my reality?

2008-09-08T03:35:00.000-07:00

i find it funny that just a few months ago, i couldn't stop loathing and hating so many other people just because i didn't have a girlfriend... seems so unreal to me right now that i used to be so trivial... today i felt like a kid again, the way i always was, i got jealous of a girl... because she got 100 in her test and i didn't... hahaha, when you are at a age, you just find it funny... right now, i don't know why, but out of the blue a few (ok la, 2 months) ago, i just decided that having a girlfriend is a too trivial thing for me to even spare a minute to think about. and because of that so small change i made in my life, i feel so much better... a lot of things nowadays, i do because i like, not to impress somebody, or to make someone else like me... hahaha, you know, it's just that i mean, every person that i've met so far, some my friends, some just people i met, it feels so weird to me now when the say, 'i need a girlfriend...' i think they are misguided even though i was like them, yes ,yes i'm still not actually on the 100 percent right track, but at least i know where i'm heading now... i used to be like this all the time, i didn't care about getting the best results or anything, i just usually sat down and put a target like, i'm gonna do better than this person, and always made sure the pressure never got to me. a few months ago all i could actually think about is i'm gonna fail! i'm gonna fail! which is so unlike me... i always knew that people who fail, are either just unlucky or didn't try at all... to me, i've never gone 100 percent all out in my studies, why some people would ask, or some would even jest by saying that i'm just making all of this up to make myself feel better cause i'm not smart... truth is, there are some (actually many) people out there who compare themselves to me... they give their 100 percent, working for something i think is useless, just like some people who learn so much of physics... but don't even know why you can't puncture a aerosol can... (i couldn't find a better example but you get the drift right...) i rather get an average score in my tests and be able to apply all of the knowledge i have compared to having knowledge and not knowing where to use it... tests are to me the most trivial things in this world that you can't take too seriously... i just wrote my mind out because i haven't got much people took talk crap like this too... hahaha...
i'm going in circles right? hahaha... i wrote a song today... just out of the blue came into my mind... it's would do well in the rock genre i think...

it isn't a lie... by me...
if there was a time i loved,
it wouldn't be now, cause i'm so lost,
and i wouldn't know if i loved you or not...
cause,
this mystical veil, fogs me within myself,
and i can't get out, can't get out to see,
if you are the one still waiting for me...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...

time flew by so fast when you just left,
so many good things happened when i was missing you,
i didn't have a clue, why you left me but i cried,
and now you stand here in front of me,
expect me to say 'yes' and move on with you,
isn't that just cruel?
isn't that just unfair?
that i'm supposed to take all this sh*t and put up with you again...

it isn't a lie to say i'm not sure,
i'm just unsure, since all this time you weren't here,
should you accept a person that left you once again... again... again...

it isn't a lie, to say i'm not sure,
and i'm not denying there's a chance that i don't love you anymore,
for i can't say i'm sure,
since you just came back so suddenly,
so,
give me some time, let me make my choice,
and just maybe, , just maybe, i'll say 'i love you' again...

petronas ads... and happy merdeka

2008-09-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

petronas ads... does anybody not know about them? well i bet you all have seen it but this is my favourite one... this one is quite old but i like it la, the grandma is so cute, plus when she says the guys name 'sam', she actually pronounces it as 'chem chem' which to me (as an indian) is so totally funny. to the guys out there la, just imagine it la, you are talking to some hot girls and your grandma gives you vegetables to take home to your mom, i actually think the girls might think it's sweet and all, but how totally embarrassing....

seriously, petronas ads that come out every festive season is one thing i actually look forward to during any of our celebrations back home. the recent chinese new year one was one that moved me to tears, still going to cry even now, makes us realize and pushes us into the reality of how really gifted we are. the multi-racial element which we hold so close to our heart, i felt so much in this advertisement (even though it was for chinese new year). you know, the funniest part is that the boys name thiam hock is the same as my friends name from high school... hahaha... although their surnames are different.

this is the latest one they have for merdeka this year which is extremely touching too... times are fast changing and the world is waiting for no one, to me the thing this ad tells me is, at times, how hard you strive proves who you are, and when you are your wits ends, that's when you parents prove to you, you are their child...

i could write on and on, but the truth is, the ads hold their own meaning to each of us, some of us say 'that's so true...', some of us pity the characters, 'so pitiful la...' some of us... learn that, life is more than just about ourselves... so, you just think to yourself what it means to you...

happy merdeka, even if it's already a bit (ok la a day) too late, and thank you petronas for such meaningful advertisements (we know how much it costs you...) looking forward for the upcoming raya one too...

super long blog!!! read only if you have time... vacation... written version and picture version

2008-08-29T08:54:00.000-07:00

written version...
ok ok.. i admit, i've been avoiding doing this for the past 3,4 days... the malays would call it... 'malas'... hahaha
i'm gonna start with 1st of august, the day i left for tokyo, we (alan and i) used a ticket called sei syun 18 kippu, it's worth 11500 yen and its can be used for five days... it's like you go to the station, show it to one of the workers and they stamp that day's date onto it and you can get on any train you want as long as it's a local train (the one that stops at every station)... sounds fun right? it took us 13 hours
and gut wrenching heart stop action each of the 9 times we changed trains... for god sake... i was on the verge of killing someone at the end of it...
the victims...
6 packets of sandwiches
5 onigiri (rice balls)
2 bottles of coffee
3 bottles of tea
2 bottles of mineral water
1 Lai Chai Ei

chai ei came to shinjuku to meet us and spend the night with us even though he could have slept care-freely in his own room... he took us for some drinks and bought us boneless kfc fried chicken... we kept laughing at him cause he was carrying a kfc box which we thought had normal 'un'boneless chicken in it... but... i don't really know why... but we were laughing at this the whole night... we ended up staying in a place to read comic books, they give you a room and you get to read the available comics in the store... this happened mostly because the hotel i found using my phone was located in a prostitution district which mr lai had to search for us... hahaha...
i guess without lai that night, we two would have killed each other... tiredness...

the next day we took part in the ASEAN sports fest. there was ping pong and badminton which our seniors took part and represented malaysia... in badminton, indonesia were just too strong to beat while in ping pong malaysia won. i took part in basketball along with alan, kita-kyushu representative the greatest Hi-sa-mu-dinnnnnnnnnn... along with mr lai and nagaoka three point specialist wei shen... hehehe had tonnes of fun even though i never scored a single point. we had fun when we defeated our first challengers from thailand... our compatriots and seniors weren't so lucky when they met a strong Philippines team... our second match against another Philippines team... actually we would have won if not for a stupid referee (from the other team) who was siding the other team, or better to say against our team because they were scared of our team... in the end we lost our nerves, started missing shot when the referee gave the other team the advantage too many times... emotions ran high and we were all on the verge of a fight, but thank god the other team had a lot of good guys who calmed us down and gave us the best they could... well, we lost in the end although i thought we put up quite a good fight to the end...

emm... after that, james and bao cong (two of our seniors) took alan, chai ei, wei shen and me around shinjuku showing us various places... including bars where men host serve women who have to much of money... mostly old grannies... when i said serve i meant it, no funny stuff, just serve drinks and talk to you for the night...
(alan kept on shouting that those were gay bars... i couldn't help but laugh...) we spent our night this time in a internet cafe... oh, the thing is you could bathe in both the places just that the conversation between the staff and me went like this...
me: hi, i want to use the shower room...
staff: yes, but we have a few people waiting on our list, could you wait sir?
me: about how long is that gonna take?
staff: let me see (pulls out a list) there are 7 people on the list now, each will take 30 minutes plus the gentlemen who went in just now... that will be a 4-hour wait sir...
me: (gasp)...
staff: i think you'd not want be on the list then... (smirks...)

well, the following day we snuck into our friends dorm... well, since one look at me and you know i'm a foreigner here, they took heavy measures not to let me be seen...
1. not letting me use the front gate... (meaning that i had to climb the fence in and out everyday)
2. a two day curfew which i had to stay only in the room (the guarded the place even when i used the bathroom)
3. if i was seen, i was to kill the person who saw me and swallow the poison supplied to me...

well the last one was a joke, but i really felt like that through out my whole stay there, it was like if i was in a witness protection program and if i was seen the yakuza were going to assassinate me... however i had loads of fun here thanks to yeow keong (for smuggling me in), bao cong (for his 'wisdom' and jokes), and james (for his endless comedy plus great food and the best company one could ask for). chai ei... i don't need to thank him la... he knows i love him... hahaha... i really don't remember much what i did in kisarazu except eat sleep eat and sleep some more... emm... we did go to yokohama a popular tourist spot... but i don't think anything happened there worth writing about...

we left kisarazu after a week or so... this was the worst part of the journey to me... we took a bus from tokyo to sendai (6 hours) and then took around another eight trains (6 hours +) immediately after getting down from the bus to a place called morioka... then from there another two hour bus to aomori... god... it was like hell... runnnig here and there... waiting for this train that train, don't know where we are going to end up... stuffing your mouth with food you ate 2 minutes ago... no solid food at all...
the victims...
3 packets of sandwiches
6 onigiri (rice balls)
4 bottles of coffee
1 bottles of tea
2 bottles of mineral water

we spent a night in aomori... no we didn't visit any apple farms, we just spent a night there, did manage to see the apples they were selling which looked ridiculously big and was being sold dirt cheap... we spent the night in an ok hotel... the thing about aomori is... it's a city made for it's people to stay in, there is no places to visit or even go to after 9 in the town... so it was quite boring there...

we left the following day before the sun was up by train to hakodate and took and pass from there to sapporo,,, something funny happened on the bus though... alan sat behind a girl who was... from my point of view... 'flashing her beautiful long legs...' i said beautiful because her legs were really beautiful... not cause i'm a pervert k??? after around an hour on the bus... alan turns to me and says... 'can change place or not... i cannot tahan this girl liao...' ... hahaha it was quiet funny to me at least... then i changed places with alan and started playing my DS to forget about her... hehehe

we spent two nights in sapporo by ourselves before our battalion arrived... we stayed in a hotel again and spent our days looking around and trying various foods la... but i don't have a particular interest in catching photographs of food... so sorry ah... when our battalion was ready... we ventured to a lot of different places... this part i think let the pictures do the talking better... so from here on out is the...

picture version!!!
tiredness takes over, alan sleeping while messaging, me sleeping in the train...
kabukicho host clubs? or in alan's incorrect words 'Gay bars!!!'
asakusa...
i like yien san's pose in this photo...
alan being tortured... notice the shells on his... errr... chest...
elaine so cute...
at yokohama... some weird art thingy...
me catching yien san catching elaine
anticipating their caricatures...
the finished product, two very beautiful smiles...
akaren in yokohama too
an ad for the aomori art museum
few nice stations i had been to before i reached sapporo
a flying raccoon near the hotel we stayed at in a shopping street named raccoon street...
sapporo's clock tower... got la some history behind it... not planning on finding out though...
they were various statues scattered around hokkaido especially in sapporo, i like this one the best, HOPE...
my most artistic picture of the sapporo tv tower...
view from above the tower of odori park
notice anything cute?

the sapporo fish market
in the shiroi koibito factory's park... rose garden
these cute things pop out and scold you when you touch the tree...
find yien san and elaine!!!
hokkaido sushi... yup everything was raw... extremely raw...
i front of a glass making factory where you can make something for yourself by yourself!!! i made a pendant...
i promised elaine i'll document her doing her mug, but at last... i didn't catch the picture of her finished product... sad...
i also like yien san's pose here... in front of some lake where we saw a lot of rocks under the sea
night time in odori park, bon odori (ghost festival dance) going on
on our way to asahiyama zoo... flowers!!!
sunflower!!!
dying lavender!!!
at tomita farm in asahikawa if i'm not mistaken, ate lavender ice cream here!!! super delicious!!!
called the parent child trees, used in some advertisement...
penguins!!!
'what you looking at ah?' cute polar bears were in the zoo... 3 to be exact
a cute and cheeky guy who can choose to run overhead you, he even stops and stares down at you at times... ok i admit i forgot what he is...
at the zoo
at mount hakodate... in lai's words... romantic mountain...
view from atop hakodate mountain...
wei shen insulting one of the statues...
some star shaped park made in ancient times by the feudal time japs to protect themselves from invading foreigners, but never completed at that time...
model of the star...
my last photo in hokkaido... on top of a giant rock...
-----------------------------the end---------------------------------

wait...

2008-08-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

---wait---
i'd wait and wait and wait some more...
there's nothing more to life than waiting for you...
i'd sing this song to you if you'd listen,
but listen closely,
cause no one else is gonna sing to you again,

i lost so many moments waiting on you,
lost my nerves when i held your hand,
i wanted to say i love, but i just stuttered,
when you'd stared back at me with those dead cold eyes,

i'd say thank you but if you listened,
for all those times you cradled me in your arms,
and when you let me lean on your shoulder and cry,
but i don't get it...

cause i wait and i wait and i wait some more,
but you don't seem to show up anymore,
those are the times when i give up,
but then you show up...
and i'm waiting on you again...

are these all lies?
are these all just my dreams?
do you hate me?
or do you just love me too much to say it?

i'd wait and wait and wait some more...
there's nothing more to life than waiting for you...
i'd sing this song to you if you'd listen,
but listen closely,
cause no one else is gonna sing to you again,

i'd wait and wait and wait some more...
there's nothing more to life than waiting for you...
i'd sing this song to you if you listen,
and i hope that you understand now,
that life isn't easy...
and life must go on...
and i'm sorry to say... i'll wait...
but not for you anymore...

this post is dedicated to my friend, well... all of us have our moments, sometimes, you pick the wrong way, and some times you pick the right... i went through all of this, and realize one thing, that no matter which road you pick, at the end of it, your friends will be there to mend your wounds or even celebrate with you... never under-estimate the power of your friends... peace out...

someday...

2008-08-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

someday by jinn...

Chi wo hau musume.
地を這う娘。
Kirei na hana wa mitsukatta no kai?
キレイな華は見つかったのかい？
Wake mo naku, jibun wo
訳も無く、自分を
Miushinau wake ga nai darou yo.
見失うわけがないだろうよ。
Someday...
SOMEDAY...
Itsuka, taiyou ga kimi wo terasu darou.
いつか、太陽が君を照らすだろう。
Ima, kono basho wo hanazono ni kaeyou.
今、この場所を花園に変えよう。
Umi shiru shounen.
海知る少年。
Yume no niishi wa ryuu sareta no kai?
夢の小石は流されたのかい？
Imi mo naku, koe kare
意味も無く、声枯れ
Sakebu hazu mo aru mai.
叫ぶはずもあるまい
Someday...
SOMEDAY...
Itsuka, taiyou ga kimi wo terasu darou.
いつか、太陽が君を照らすだろう。
Ima, kono basho wo hanazono ni kaeyou.
今、この場所を花園に変えよう。
Hitotsu, futatsu.
一つ、二つ。
Koto no ha, maiorite
言の葉、舞い降りて
Watashi wa, ima.
私は、今。
Watashi wa...
私は。。。

girl crawling on the ground,
did you find a beautiful flower yet?
there's no reason,
to lose sight of yourself...

someday...
someday, the sun will shine on you...
now, let's turn this place into a garden...

the boy who loves the sea,
did the pebbles of your hopes get flown away?
there's no reason, my voice goes dry,
and there's no way i can shout anymore...

someday...
someday, the sun will shine on you...
now, let's turn this place into a garden...

one... two...
the leafs of words, dance as they fall,
now... i...
i...

to me this song had a very deep meaning even though the english translation sounds stupid, and the way she (jinn, the singer) sings it give you a feeling that you can push on no matter what... i'm not going to ruin it's meaning by writing what i think it means, i just wrote the literal translation... so good luck deciphering it...

bye bye!!!

2008-07-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

ermm... i got to hurry... yesterday, went to the hanabi festival (fireworks fare) in shirarahama... the famous beach where sand is imported from australia... well i'll be going to tokyo tomorrow, it sounds long right? but if you count hours its like 6 hours away... well i haven't finished packing... well, just wanted to inform those interested i won't be blogging for around 3 weeks because of the trip to hokkaido and all... sorry for the delay... bye bye!!!

steamboat?

2008-07-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

well, today chiang shen (my senior), alan and i had sort of a steamboat party... i said sort of cause of the various mishaps that happened... it started from yesterday...
i woke up at 1030 am and i was supposed to catch the 1000 am bus to town to buy the ingredients... well i settled for the 1130 one...
then i went to chiang shen's room to ask what i should buy for tonight...
(open the door)
cs: (still on bed sleeping)what? what???
me: i'll be going to gobo in 20 minutes... anything specific i need to buy?
cs: so early go and do what? shops not yet open...
me: (blur a bit) it's 1110 now...
cs: (wakes up suddenly) AH!!! i got to see my teacher at 800...
me: (swt...)... message me what i need to buy... i go first...
cs: ok!

one hour later when i was strolling in gobo...
me: (to myself) why hasn't he messaged me yet... (find phone)...
me: (to myself) opss... (left my phone in my room)...

so i eventually bought stuff i thought we would need according to my instinct...
that night...
(we meet in front of our corridor)
me: cs, i did something smart this morning...
cs: i also did something smart, i left the steamboat pot is in wei jian's room (he already went back to malaysia) so luckly you didn't buy the food...
me: (swt...) erm i forgot my phone this morning...
cs: i know already la...
me: (swt lagi...) ermmm... i bought the stuff already...
cs: (pura-pura faint)...

so we decided to use a normal pot and cook the stuff... wan ying (my only female senior) was supposed to join us, but she suddenly decided not to... kesian la, i won't be able to see her for one month... haizzzz... well well her bad luck... hehehe...
we wanted to make tom yam soup but all we had was two cubes of instant tom yam left... we improvised and ended up with more of a asam soup than tom yam... but amazingly thanks to cs, it tasted great...
there is an interesting story about the 'drinks' too... ask me if you see me and i'll tell you my adventure with alan...

the place i stay at...

2008-07-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to really explain this place, it's becoming so much of my home that i can't tell what's different or special in this place anymore... well this place looks quite like malaysia actually, there is a lot of farms around...
i guess the first thing you'd realize about my school here is that it's covered in rust, but don't let that fool you, cause the things are quite new (not everything la...), it's just cause we are near the sea, so everything rusts at an amazing speed...
the towns nearby like inami and tanabe is popular for ume, or japanese plums (asam boi). which i really don't understand why japanese like to eat it so much... (makan dengan nasi punya... ya tuhan... imagine eating asam boi and rice...) ok la, it's not actually asam boi, it's plums pickled in salt water, so it's just salty...
the view here is breath-taking if it really doesn't take your breath away first by it's strong 'smells'... the sea nearby that i go strolling, is filled with the smell of drying seaweed meant to be sold, once you get used to the smell, then you'll start enjoying the view...
umm... what else is there say about this place? don't know, can't think of anything special... heard other kosens are much more prettier... but nearby here got a melon 食べ放題 or all you can eat melon buffet (i think strawberries are included in the package too...) but it's quite expensive... there is also a all you can eat cake shop here also... going to visit it more often from now on...
some random photo of my place...
the melon farm which is 5 minutes walk away where they have a melon all you can eat... never been to it though...
got two extra characters please ignore... hehehe
view of our tennis court which is beside my dorm...
the building on the right is my school office complex and on the left is a flower my mom grow at home too
fishing boats heading to sea...
just a random picture i thought was beautiful...

it's 5 in the morning...

2008-07-27T12:49:00.000-07:00

it's 5 in the morning,
i can't hear what you say,
cause my earphones are blazing loud,
i can't sleep but neither do i know why...

it's been so long since i wrote i feel i'm forgetting,
times seems so short and,
yet so long do i wait for a minute to pass when i stare at the clock,
i can't wait to see my friends again...

life is like a song,
they always say that life is a bitter-sweet symphony,
where truth lies in lies,
and only you can choose what is true...

i used to find somebody's hand that i hold when i walk,
but now i slide them in my pocket and slowly walk away,
not waiting on others cause only i know what i want,
not going to drag others when i said i know what i want...

i hear the first call of dawn,
in the cries of a bird i can't see,
do you trust what you can't see?
do you trust what you can't grasp fully?

the heat is killing me,
the cold i want would kill me too,
why is it we want what we don't have,
and have what we don't need?

it's still 5 in the morning,
and i'm still lost in forever,
questions with no answers,
but hush... don't we all have questions?

believe me when i say,
life is the answer,
live for the answer,
die only when you can stare at yourself and say
'i don't have a doubt left'...

for life is a book, don't always just try to fill it up with pages and pages of black and white writing... draw those pictures, no matter how ugly they are, no matter if others would laugh... cause it's your book and those who love you would understand...

of being alone...

2008-07-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

is there anything wrong with being lonely? i was always lonely, avoided people and always was by myself through out my life until one day, a girl made me change... she made me feel lonely in those nights i waited for her, she made me vague about the choices i made, and i felt so god damn lonely when she left me half dead bleeding because i hurt myself so much to just show her how it feels to be hurt... but she never realized other's people's pain until the very end because... well she was just too stubborn to realize that, it's just her jolly good self... crap, i steered away from the topic... when i finally reached this place, i was trying so hard to find a place for myself, so that everyone would love me, so that everyone will pay attention to me... about a few days ago, i realized, that, it was i who changed in the end because of her... hahaha, stupid right... and my wounds are finally healed, cause i don't hate her anymore, i just think i made a mistake because maybe both of us didn't know when to stop, we were just too immature i guess, exactly like what both our sisters said about us... it's time for me to become who i am and always was, the demon who does an angels work, i go around quiet well pulling off this job. i finally feel the loneliness she took away from me, the loneliness that i want so i can seal my heart once more... i realized that, i'm not lonely, my sister is getting engaged soon, and i always used to think that i wouldn't want to even go to it, but now, when i can't, i cried, my sister is so far away, my family, my heart that i left with them... i'm lonely cause i want to be this way, i want to be by myself so i can hurt nobody but can help everybody... i realized that i always felt lonely when those people i helped forgot me, but i never felt it, cause i was stronger than that, i had my strength in God and all... i feel so weird right now, i bet all these feelings and all, she already forgot so so long ago, and i think i should start forgetting everything too... today is a bright day... and i know tomorrow will be brighter... i really hope she does well in life, and i hope that i can continue mine too... i feel quiet happy today even though i think i'm boiling here... you know that the weather forecast over here reads like? 'today's temperature: 29 degrees, feels like 35 degrees...' that's because the moisture levels here are high... sigh... i thought it'd be cold here... my seniors here are the best, they take care of me a lot and most of them seem like my brothers (and sister, didn't forget you wan ying!) instead of friends, it's taking time for me to find myself, and i know a lot of other people are having the same problem as me... many of my friends gave up so much to be with the girls they loved, but it always turned out tragic, we feel that this lonely feeling will never leave us... but i know now... it's alright to feel lonely... cause no matter how alone i feel, there will always be the people who love me thinking of me... don't forget that...
this smile isn't fake, and with it i realize i'll never be lonely anymore... (eating zhong zhi with seniors and Alan...)

P.S. to my dear sister, i'm so sorry i can't come to your engagement... send me lots of pictures!!!

tanabata....

2008-07-06T16:24:00.000-07:00

today is tanabata!!! well it's a japanese celebration where people write down their wishes on paper and hang it on bamboo trees (is it called a bamboo tree???). (we also get to eat jelly for tanabata, yeah!!!) these colorful trees can be seen everywhere and you can see them filled with wishes...
some wishes i saw...
1. i want to become a pro baseball player...
2. i want a new hand phone...
3. i want a new bicycle...
4. i want to become more pretty...
5. i want a new boyfriend/girlfriend...
6. i want nagisa (a common girls name) to talk to me...
7. i do not want to get anymore red marks...
and the list never ends...
it's kind of nice to see that there's still a lot of kids around despite the fact that points out that in wakayama, in every 10 people, there are 7 people over 65 years old... there was also people praying to win in the upcoming kosen tournament, and people wishing for good health... what i wished for? it's in the list of seven on top besides my wish for the good health for my family... if you can't guess it... i say you are pathetic... hahaha...
the tanabata in the train station where i left my wishes...

a bullet for a friend?

2008-07-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

recently, we were discussing the earthquake in china in my friend, chai ei's blog, (www.chaiei.wordpress.com) and we were talking about the unsung heroes and people who died protecting what they thought was more important than themselves... in the end, one question was pointed at me, if a gun was pointed at your friend, with only one bullet left, and you were beside him, would you take the bullet for him?
to me, logically, there are many trains of thought, lets, start with the most common one. if you had about 10 seconds to think about it, you'd either probably run away if you think about the bullet and how mortal you are, or you'd take the bullet if you thought how mortal your friend is. if there was ten seconds for you to think, there would also be enough time for you to save your friend by minimizing how much 'damage' you are going to take... and rational thought of all living beings is the preservation of life, if your friend isn't important to you, of course you'd run away, but if he or she was, wouldn't you want to save his or her life by sacrificing only a part of yourself? isn't two lives better than one life?
that is probably what goes through most people's mind, and if you had 20 seconds to think, you'd think 'that flesh piercing, bone breaking bullet, i am not going to take that for anybody...' and true, you'd most probably die if you took the bullet for him or her...
truth is, i believe, if you had 21 seconds, you'd realize, it'd do the same to your friend, and if you had 22 seconds, you'd realize if you let him or her die, you'd have to live with the fact that you watched your friend die to save yourself...
and from this point onwards, there is nearly no certain way to say what a person will do, i wrote down the time, in seconds as a relative thing to how much you think. in
the end, you don't have many choices.

1. think of the people who love you, and save yourself for them...
2. think of your friend and the people who love him, save him...

the people who gave up their lives to save others in the earthquake, they probably were thinking opposite of how a normal person would. they all were thinking, 'how bad it would hurt that person if that building collapsed on him?' not the usual how much pain am I going to feel... i'd agree with chai ei and say, most people nowadays, who won't even drop a penny for a beggar, probably would save themselves, but i hope those who read this realize, 'only i (that means you) can change the world'. i'd love for someone to save me when i need to be saved, so i save people who need to be, no complicated thoughts, cause no matter how heavy the price is, if it was the other way around, wouldn't you want to be saved no matter the price? and if that question is directed at me again, i'd still say the same, i'd rather die bravely , than live in fear of myself...

days when i knew my what my smile meant...

2008-06-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

it has been like how long since we have came here? going to be 3 months? to me it seems more like 3 years... time is sure moving by slowly... i'm waiting for our summer vacation, but it seems like it's never going to come... i have tonnes of assignments, technical drawings, essays for newsletters, a test on wednesday, and hell i feel like i'm so alone here... i bet most of my friends and the people i love feel the same too, it's like you don't realize time is slipping by you and that each second that slips behind you is a second that you will never relive, time is priceless cause you can't get it back no matter what you do. at times i feel this world is consuming me and that i'm going to disappear between all those lost words and lost thoughts, i'm over flowing with my own emotion and the emotion which people pour into me. i want to bring them into my arms, yet, i feel so scared, and every time i pull back, i lose another second that i won't regain... i feel like running away from all this responsibility, and be back with my family and friends who protected and shielded me from all this over powering emotions...
me an my cobra friends, chai ei reminded me of those times in his blog...
some of my high school friends that i'll never forget...
we realize only too late that the ones we hurt were the ones we love most, and the ones we try to protect our best sometimes are the people who are bringing us down. in my life, i feel i have sacrifice nothing to get where i am now, but where i am now is the work of all the people around me, my family, my friends, that's why i believe that my dreams are too important to be lost in time, because it is the dreams of a thousand people who entrusted me with them... that's why i don't mind waking up after being shoved to the ground a million times, because i'm not going to let all those people who love me down, never will i do that...
'time takes away so much, yet only with so much taken do we realize how fragile and lost we are... life is simple but if you stared harder at it...'

osaka, not enough time...

2008-06-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

2 random pictures taken in the train station
don't i look cute?

the best before and after picture i have seen in a long time....
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hahaha, we slept overnight in a karaoke, actually i slept overnight in the karaoke, the rest were busy singing... i'll get back to that later...
we traveled to osaka by train, it take two train changes and around 2 hours to get there from our kosen. but we always have our trusty gadgets to keep us busy until we get there...when we reached it was a little to late to get our hands on buffet lunches, so we settled for thai food instead. hey, i didn't order hailam chicken rice.... oii waiter!!!but however hailam chicken rice tasted so good we all ended up deciding to come back the next day for the buffet lunch... we then headed out into nanba which is basically like petaling street but substitute the stalls for nice shops... i had a great time shopping, i wished wan ying had followed us, she would have stopped me from buying more things.... hahaha... (we shopped too long) then we had dinner which was a buffet style thing which made us all quite full... then we split up into alan and mior and the rest of us, the two headed to the hotel to sleep and the rest of us (ah lee, wei jian, chiang shen and me) went to the karaoke... i sang a few songs before i fainted... but the others continued to sing until daybreak, that's the before after picture you all saw... then we slept here and there and got chased form here to there... was embarrassing and at the same time funny... we had lunch as planned at the thai restaurant and then headed back to kosen... quite normal trip this time... cause we just didn't have enough time to do other stuff... but the only thing i didn't like about this trip is this weird doll that everyone kept taking pictures with... it just had a weird way it would look at you like it was going to kill you.. . crap, i'm getting scared just thinking about it...

tales of a clover...

2008-06-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

(image courtesy of japanwindow.com by Andy Gray)

isn't it weird? our world? the four leaf clover like most know is actually deformed, yet most of us in this world love it so much. however, when it comes to people, i don't think we would think the same. i feel somewhat disgusted by myself that how i could once treasure things like four leaf clovers, but not feel the same for the same type of people. it's not that i hated them or despised them, it's that i could never see their beauty until a few years back when i still was in the St. John Ambulance brigade.a few of us were waiting for a bus to go back to school. we had just attended a class on how to take care of disabled and special people during emergencies in the St. John Ambulance HQ. i was feeling sorry and showing a little too much sympathy for those people, sympathy they didn't ask or need. my friend pointed out to me a bunch of three leaf clovers growing on the side walk, and said he wished he had a four leaf clover.
i laughed but he didn't, he said to me:
"i wished i had one because no one can see the beauty in those special people, but i bet that clover can, cause it is just like them..."
i never felt stupider in my life. with all my knowledge in science and this and that, how could i miss such a big resemblance. that's why, i don't feel pity for those people anymore, i feel pity for those who can't see how special those people are, like a friend (wan ying) once repeated to me recently, they are gifts from God to us. nowadays, when i help a special person, i only feel like i found another four leaf clover in my life... see things differently, only we can change our world...

it's saturday, but still a school day...

2008-06-20T18:38:00.000-07:00

these past few days... 'normal days' have begun again, it's like hell, think of waking up at seven after sleeping at around two, then going to school until 4, start badminton practice at 430, then eat at 630, bath at 7 then try to rest but you can't because you have a tonne of homework... start drawing this and that in the end you finish around 11 and then you watch a movie you wanted to watch for so long... you end up sleeping at two again... and the best part you find out you have class on saturday because the parents are visiting to see their children study... damn i feel like i'm not going to make it at times, but thank god, it's saturday and i'm still walking...

i stole a line from takacha's ame ni mo, kaze ni mo song...
Kaze ni fukarete ame ni utarete------ being blown by wind, being hit by rain
Demo aruite ikeru kara--------------- but i still move on
Jibun no tame ni jiyuu no tame ni---- for myself, for freedom
Demo mazu kimi no tame ni------------ but most importantly for you
Kaze ni fukarete ame ni utarete------ being blown by wind, being hit by rain
Demo aruite ikeru kara--------------- but i still move on
Jibun no tame ni jiyuu no tame ni---- for myself, for freedom
Demo mazu hito no tame ni------------ but most importantly for others...

makes me feel happy to think some other people think like me too, we always get back up, sometimes for ourselves, but mostly for the people who love us, am i wrong? i, i would rather lay flat down dead on the floor if no one cared for me... recently i got back my test results, i did quite well i think, but i guess that's because my course for now is still in it's 'infancy...' and it's still easy... for those who tried their best and didn't get the results they expected, for god's sake, it's the first time, you have like another 20-30 times to prove yourself... so everyone, don't worry, we all sometimes screw up, even at the most important times, but that's what's special about being a human, being a person, being someone...

anyway, today, half the day is over for me, i look more like a special shop item in school today. it looks like i'm a mascot for the school, all the parents are lighting up like light bulbs when they see me... well, i guess that can't be helped, right? i feel special at times, and i think i should respect that fact and not take advantage of it... tomorrow i'm going to Osaka, hopefully, and i want to get some things for summer (like a fan) and for god sake, this place is starting to burn up, it's near the sea, isn't it supposed to not have a big temperature difference? i have no pictures to put up this time... sorry... when i come back from Osaka, i promise to put up a lot of pictures!

my mothers present to me...

2008-06-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

Desiderata
Max Ehrmann (1872-1945), American poet and dramatist

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant:
They, too, have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter:
For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble:
It is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs:
For the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is:
Many persons strive for high ideals:
And everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love:
For in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars:
You have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be careful. Strive to be happy...

i'm already 20... (cry cry)

2008-06-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

my birthday was yesterday, i actually felt sad that not many people wished me here, but the truth is i don't know their birthdays either, i feel a bit like a hypocrite cause, i was thinking that if no one knew it would be better, since no one would celebrate it which means less hassle. however, in the end, when it did end up like how i wanted it to be, i felt a little bit lonely i guess. that was about japanese people, as far as malaysians go, those who needed to remember, remembered. so i'm not that frustrated. we had a bicycle trip to a 'nearby' waterfall. as in nearby i mean, nearly 19 km by bicycle.. i was unlucky at the same time lucky... i got hit by a softball a day before the event during P.E. . it hit me in the eye, cracking my spectacles (a part of my eye socket too... just kidding) so basically with my sight down to 0... they banned me from cycling... the doctor... yes i had to go to a doctor to check my eye cause they all were so afraid i was going to die... the doctor, refused to prescribe me a new pair of spectacles because according to him, my eye was not fine yet and it would be slightly of if he prescribed glasses for me then... so, he decided to let me suffer until this Wednesday, without spectacles. about the baseball incident, i was playing catch ball with my pal when he threw a long ball, then mr.over-confident caught half the ball and let the other half hit his face... like what i said on the field when he asked me if i was ok... '目は大丈夫、けど、精神的に痛い。。。’ (my eye is fine, but my pride is hurt...) everyone who came to see me started laughing... for god sake, it was so embarrassing to get hit by a ball during catch ball... well back to the cycling story... so everyone got on a bike and started pedaling... except me because i was confined to a car... well i did have fun talking the person in-charge of foreign students, miss nonomura... haih, i was so jealous of all of them... well until about the half way line everyone was so tired that they had to change... i couldn't help but force my way to a bike... hehehe... nonomura was freaking out... well my eyesight was pretty bad... but who cares if i have fun? hahahaha well i continued cycling until we reached our destination... we set up a barbecue pit and barbecued some chicken, fish, sweet potato, clams, hot dogs and etc. there was also sushi, when the crab sticks finished, everyone was making some kind of weird mix sushi(like adding a hot dog to it). we had watermelon in the end, two of our year five seniors went a little bit crazy and got into the stream (god knows how they entered)... one of our teachers saw that and couldn't resist... he led us to a nearby waterfall and all hell broke lose... all the guys were in the water in 20 seconds (all in their underwear... no one brought spare clothes) poor wan ying and nonomura cause they had to see most of our butts...Then we cycled back. i only cycled half way this time because i was worried about getting burnt by the sun, it was around 2pm at the time. when we reached back it was around 4... i played some basketball and later slept early because i was so totally wasted...
me in car... sad sad...
me outside car waiting to swap places with someone... hehehe (resting on top of a tough climb)
wan ying couldn't wait to eat the sushi...
nonomura starting the barbecuehot dog 手巻き寿司 (hand-rolled sushi)my teacher cutting the watermelonme and my half-tutor relishing the juiciness of the watermelons...two of them in the stream, chiang shen banned me from showing his 'nude photo' to the world...posing in front of the waterfall(girls, please close eyes)well then for today, i pretty much strained my eyes to write this post, so i'm treating myself to some pudding!!!

exams... exams... the dreadful exams...

2008-06-11T04:58:00.000-07:00

it's exam week for me and i'll sit for my last two papers tomorrow, but they are quite tough, so it's another all-niter with a possibility of zero sleep (again)... i admit i waste a lot of time during 'daylight hours' but if i didn't i wouldn't be gane right? well in preparation for a long night, one essential thing is coffee to me, but since one cup is just never going to cut it, i've decided to use a bowl and make four cups into one... tadaa!!! it's diturbing right? hehehe
well i have to go study before my tutor comes to check on me and see i'm not studying ( again!!! XD ) well until after the exams!!!

memories...

2008-06-09T07:13:00.000-07:00

you know, how you'd like to forget some things in the past that tends to kill you every time you think of it? i don't know why, but every time i try my best to forget it, it just that it catches up to me

when i held on, it asked me to leave...
when i let go, it finds me again...
when i said hello, it said goodbye...
when i said goodbye, it comes after me...

that feeling that a past that wants you so badly it doesn't mind destroying you if it doesn't have you back. my memories all feel like a blur to me nowadays, those painful memories repeat themselves over and over again.

an undying cycle that leaves you obliterated...

at one time not too long ago i loved somebody with all my heart, i gave her everything i had even though she made me suffer so much. she often told me that she was the one suffering and i listened loyally not knowing it was i who was bleeding to death in front of all those who loved me. wasn't she the one who kissed me first? wasn't she the one who said she needed me even though she already had a boyfriend? how did her parents suddenly come to hate me? how did her sister come to suddenly hate me? i never blamed anybody but i always knew it was because she was turning everyone i knew around me against me.

the same time you need something, the same time you keep that thing away from others...

i never complained to her once, i never told her that i have never had my dreams shattered before me, but she showed me how, how to break a persons will until they have no more moves left, until they are stuck at your feet...

i thought i could change her, but i only ended up changing myself so much...

you know whats the best part? when i finally gave her up, she came back to me, and asked me why i left her helpless... it's like asking the person you stabbed 50 times why you aren't helping them with their shoelace... i really wish i could forget everything, but i can't and i know i won't... all the lies she said, all the promises i kept for her, all the times she cried on my shoulder, all the times i cried alone for her...

tears can only drop,
wounds can only bleed,
but her every word,
causes eternities of hurt...

you know, it gets lonely when you had someone you cared about, it gets cold when you don't have to shield anybody from that same cold. i don't wish it hadn't happened cause some of my fondest memories are from there, but i wish it'd leave me alone, cause i don't want to remember it anymore... i just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head (but there is still so many that are stuck in my head that i just can't say out!!!)... this post feels more like a hate mail than a post... but with everything that's happening around me, i feel that i should be more true to myself and try harder to get over these hurdles... still in my exam week, so i hope with my consciences clear i'll be able to do well in my exams...

限界を超える (passing your limits)...

2008-06-05T00:56:00.000-07:00

what's rain? i always believed that rain falls when people are sad... teardrops from heaven..
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it's really raining quiet heavily outside, people around me are too busy to realize how lonely i've gotten, but don't blame them, it's my fault for not telling them. i just miss home suddenly, i miss amma (mom), i miss appa (dad - mr.rainoo, hehehe), i miss akka, anna, and mayu too (sis, bro and lil bro). i miss my friends who used to drag me out at night to have fun. i miss so many people that i feel so trodden. i miss those voices that i often thought were noisy, i miss the people who used to sms me who i always thought were pestering me. people were complaining about how fake the japanese people are towards us, but i can't help but feeling that it's me who is fake. they are so many kind people around me that i wish i could run away so often, why do these people have to care for me? i always believed in one thing, that i wouldn't become a burden to others... i feel terrible that i am becoming one now and that everyone has to take care of me...
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so i ran away... i rode my bicycle towards the south... as far as my legs could take me, and i ended up getting wet so badly and the veins in my legs i could feel were ready to snap at any moment... and as i was giving up pedaling along with so many other things, my hopes seemed so vague and all i wanted was to fall... as i was stopping slowly, there was this japanese lady standing in front of her house, i look at her, she looks back ,smiles, and utters 'きれいだね。。。(its beautiful right?..)’. for a moment i was puzzled, but when i looked at the sky in front of me, i smiled too... (i wish i took my camera, i could only get a rotten picture with my camera phone) the sky was split, half dark half bright and in the middle was my first (i think) rainbow in japan... when i turned back to acknowledge the lady, she was gone... leaving me in front of an ocean of endless tears and with beauty that surpasses everything... this is why i hate God, because he never lets me give up...

never ending streams stream,
never faltering steps stumble,
i still wonder why,
why the floor's slippery,
why am i falling,

as i fall slowly,
i reach out slowly,
time passes so slowly,
your hand reaches slowly,

reaching out to you,
feeling that i'll live,
because i have you,
as i catch your hand, the sun breaks the clouds again...

suddenly felt very emotional and wanted to write something... but (wtf) my poems are starting to stink (or have they always been like that?), i promise i'll write better posts after the exams...

休憩時間 10分

2008-06-04T16:34:00.003-07:00

this song is actually not that nice i guess... it's by saeka uura... the title is "ten minute break"... it's starts with her shout benkyoou kirai! (i hate studying) and how true that is... i really hate studying for now... it seems no matter how hard i do... i screw up some how... (well, well, i'm exaggerating again, i just can't handle 1 out of 8 actually)... then she says "sin, cos, tangen, what the hell is that for..." it's quite funny to me, i really feel that many japanese people actually act the way she says in real life too... at last she says "koi shitai, kareshi hoshi..." i want to love, and i want a boyfriend... i want a girlfriend too... so jealous looking at all the guys here with their girlfriends... :'-(
the lyrics if you all are interested
10-Minute Break
Vocals: Uura Saeka
Lyrics: Uura Saeka
Composition: Inaba Koshi
Arrangement: Hayama Takeshi

I hate studying, I love chatting
sin cos tan…
Ah, what in the world are those for?
Aren’t they tough? Teacher!
I always regret before a test; that’s my high school life

During a 10-minute break time, I want to do various things
Even though class is over, in front of me
The people who ask questions “do it often”

If only I had a mirror, then I’d feel calm
“My make-up is perfect, my eyes are bright”
Hey, if you look back, there’s a girl with curled hair

I hate studying, I like P.E. somewhat
Basketball, volleyball, and tennis- Huh? An endurance run today
Say it ain’t so, teacher!
My fat shows up and I don’t want muscular pain
I’m such a blossoming high school girl

A 10-minute break ends in a split second
Even if the chime rings, I don’t mind
In infinite foolish talk, “I want a boyfriend.”

If only I had spare time during class
I’d go full-out at text messaging with amazing concentration
I get irritated when replies are slow, looking at the clock

I can’t do tests, I doodle on the back
Hereditary, recombination, DNA…
I don’t even know H well enough
Can I rest for a while? Teacher
My pimples increase during test season; that is youth life

It’s not that I’m not thinking of anything
I don’t know what I should do
It’s not that I don’t want to do anything
The chime hurries everyone along again

I want to fall in love, I want money, too
It’s common to punch away at a cash register and hold a part-time job at a family restaurant
Please give me a ‘Correct’ mark on my life
I can’t enter shifts during test season
I’m such an honest person

During a 10-minute break, I’ll diligently draw
The map of the future

Kyuukei Jikan Juppun
Vocals: Uura Saeka

Benkyou kirai o-shaberi daisuki
Sain kosain tanjento…
Aa ittai nan no tame?
Muzukashii desho sensei!
Tesuto mae ni itsumo koukai sonna koukou seikatsu

Kyuukei jikan juppun iron na koto shitaku naru
Jugyou owatteru no ni mae de
Shitsumonsuru hito “yoku yaru wa”

Kagami sae areba anshin
“Meiku bacchiri, o-meme pacchiri”
Hora furikaereba kami o maiteru ko mo iru shi

Benkyou kirai taiiku wa maamaa suki
Basuke baree ni tenisu e? Kyou wa jikyuusou
Sorya nai desho sensei!
Abura uku shi kinnikutsuu wa iya
Sonna hana no joshi kousei desu

Kyuukei jikan juppun a tto iu ma ni owacchau
Chaimu ga natte mo ki ni shinai
Mugen no bakabanashi “kareshi hoshii.”

Hima sae areba jugyouchuu mo
Meeru ni zenryoku sugoi shuuchuuryoku
Henji ga osokute iraira tokei o mitsumeru

Tesuto dekinai ura ni wa rakugaki
Iden kumikae DNA…
H mo roku ni shirimasen
Chotto yasumeba? Sensei
Tesuto kikan wa nikibi ga fueru sonna seishun seikatsu

Nani mo kangaetenai wake ja nai
Nani o sureba ii ka wakannai
Nani mo shitaku nai wake ja nai
Chaimu ga mata minna o sekasu

Koi mo shitai o-kane mo sorya hoshii
Reji uchi ando famiresu baito kakemochi atarimae
Jinsei ni wa maru o choudai
Tesuto kikan wa shifuto irenai
Sonna richigi na atashi desu

Kyuukei jikan juppun mirai no chizu o
Sesse to kakou

being big... literally...

2008-06-01T03:43:00.000-07:00

once, a 'famous' senpai told me, "people fear you not becuase you are 'black' but because you are just too big..." (randy told me that, hehehe he's facing the same problem so i bet he knows...) today chiang shen (my 5th year senior here) let us participate in the donation drive for the chinese earthquake... i dressed as smartly as i could, and made up my hair as least frightening as it could be... we took turns between holding the banner and the collection boxes... the thing is, quite a few people stopped to look at me and donated. a few even shook hands with me. my spirits were about it's soaring height when the worst thing that could happen happened... a small girl (about 4 years old), her mother gave her a few coins and directed her to me... she walked backwards away, like how a sacred animal would, and went to sii lii on the opposite side to give the money... well i didn't take it to heart... but (sob sob) i'm still too big right?
about the design competition, i'm taking part in this years design competition. we have to work on two types of bridges, one is a normal type of bridge, and one is that can support weight at different angles. the angle one we haven't started yet, but the normal one, we already tested them once. we have to decide if we are going to use the truss version or the arch version... so we are currently making both to see which one will be stronger... oh... the catch is... we have to make it out of 1mm and 2mm thick paper (cardboard)... i'm not good with paper, so i'm doing most of the design and planning work that i can...
the arch version
the truss version

Life goes on... and on and on and on.....

2008-05-26T05:51:00.000-07:00

serious sentimental part (short and very displeasing), skip this part if you hate boring stuff...
you know how it feels to be read like a book? everyone knows what you were and are... seriously, i always chose to be an open book... recently i began to wonder if she was doing well, people told me she was contemplating suicide and all, it got me so worked up these few days, but i recently found out she is doing fine and all is well with her, i pray for her, and hope she will be happy as she is forever...
.
.
.
well done with that crap...

let's get to the interesting part...

Part a, gane the Casanova...
you all should know about the incident in chai ei's blog about the present for the ugly girl... i want to stress something here, she maybe short and have the worst taste in dressing, but she isn't ugly, and she is one hell of a good friend... well i'll have to give her her present this Wednesday... i hope she doesn't try to kill me... hahaha
among the many rumors spreading around in school about me is that the tennis club girl (who SUPPOSEDLY is the pretties girls in school) (ya, she is in my class, and no i won't show you her photo muahahaha) is going to kill me using a baseball bat because of the capibara i gave her... how in earth's name that rumor spread, god knows... oh, i finally gave her the poem i wrote for her last month, i figured since i did write it for her, what's wrong with giving it to her (it's a very normal poem, at least i feel that way)... if tomorrow you hear about a foreign student being killed with a baseball bat, it should be me...

Part b, gane and the TOEIC exam
we went to wakayama yesterday for our TOEIC exam (thank god in one months time i'll be spared the horror of japanese-english classes). you know what the best part? during the listening test, i think i got 3 wrong, why you'd ask... because i slept through the 3 questions... during the reading (comprehension) section, i managed to finish in half the time, giving me ample time to check my answers (and look around) the guy beside me was about 30 years old (the three of us, taufik, alan, and i were the only foreigners there i think, the rest were japanese) was pulling the last bits of hair he had left and was biting on his shirt, it looked like he was going to die if he failed... well, all the japanese people were so stressed out, the girl behind me was practically crying by the time the test was over... for god's sake, she was sobbing throughout the exam... but the best part about mister pulling his hair out is, 75% of his answers were different from mine (i'm not saying i'm great or anything, but the level was PMR standard la... come on la...).

Part c, gane with his thinking cap on...
recently there was the big earthquake in china, and i saw this bunch of chinese uni students gathered at wakayama station trying to raise funds. as we all know, the japanese don't donate so easily, so these people had a tactic of yelling in your face so you donate to them... but they also thank you kindly when you do donate (i donated that's why i know...), i hope they collect a lot... i'd like everyone who reads this post to just spend one minute thinking of your loved ones, and another minute to pray for those who lost their lives in that earthquake and for the brave heroes who fought (and still are fighting) to save others.

japanese people and secrets...

2008-05-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

well, if you want to know something special about japanese people, is that they cannot, i mean never keep secrets... ok ok, i'm being a little too harsh on them... it's just that they aren't good at keeping secrets at all plus... they gossip just like any other normal people... all in they aren't that bad... but i just wanted to write what happened to me last week...

wednesday night...
my tutor: gane how was tokyo...
me: it was fine...
my tutor:...
me:...
me: well i saw something that looks like our classmate (a girl)...
my tutor: really really? what does she look like?
me: (i show him a capibara doll) doesn't she look like this?
my tutor: ... no...

thursday night...
enter my tutor's room... and four guys are looking at me...
friend: where's the capibara you are going to give her?
me: (gasp... look at tutor) (he looks away...) ermm... here it is... but i don't plan on giving it to her...
friend 2: (not paying attention to what i said) when you gonna give it to her? on her birthday? valentine's day?
me: (i'm so dead) (fake laugh) hahahahahahaha...

friday morning...
me: i have something to say to you...
she: emm ok... what is it?
me: i got you this as an omiyage (souvenir) when i was in tokyo cause i think it looks like you...
she: (blushes) thank you...
me: (relieved that no rumours were going to spread) don't tell anybody else... ok?
she: (happy face) ok i promise...

saturday night...
senior: yo gane...
me: yo...
senior: smooth move with the capibara...
me: (shocked) WHO TOLD YOU!?!?
senior: relax dude... she told me herself...
me: (x.x)

well at least it turned out fine when i explained myself properly... but trust me on this... don't tell a japanese person a secret unless you know them really well... hahaha...

random ramblings...

2008-05-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

You know recently, someone from my past contacted me, old wounds open up and you think you'll bleed to death... well i was wrong... no wound was there... i went to the sea today, and guess what i saw? i saw surfers, my first time seeing surfers surfing in real life... it was so totally awesome... i forgot everything that was troubling me thanks to that and thanks to one certain bunny princess... i'd like to introduce her to everyone i know cause no matter what happens to her, she smiles and laughs... it lightens up everybody's day, including mine, well sometimes it gets scary (or funny) when she laughs by herself though... her name is takehira haruka（遥竹平), she sits behind me (not for long since they are going to swap seats tomorrow). she is the first girls i met here and she is still the kindest to me here...according to my 'research' she is one of the most beautiful girls in the whole of Gobo (the city where i stay...), and on top of all of that, she has a heart of gold... that's why i think she deserves to be known by my friends also...
i didn't know how to write her name in kanji until today when i forced her to write it on my hand...(but she didn't need much persuasion though, i only asked once)takehira is the girl on the right (on her left is my classmate and her close friend syoji)... my only photo of her... (sob sob)

What a tiring week...

2008-05-10T03:50:00.000-07:00

It's been nearly a week (maybe more...) since i've written a post right, well there are always reasons... First of all is by the time i came back from tokyo i've been flanked by so much homework and other activities that i didn't have time to even eat (literally!!!) for the past few days... On top of that, the people around me have become more harder to understand... and on top of everything else i lost my camera... I'll get to that later, but firstly, let me tell you about the golden week... Traveling was the worst, it took nearly 12 hours to commute to tokyo... nearly 3 hours of train and 9 hours of bus, the bus was meant for a 4 year old i think, cause i couldn't fit even half of my body into the seat (yes, yes i know how big i am, but the seat was really ridiculously small).
well when we reach tokyo, we headed to akihabara (the famous electric city), and i finally got my phone, and i got some stuff for my computer (chai ei wrote something funny about the first conversation we had when i saw him on his blog www.chaiei.wordpress.com go check it out if you are interested)... met up with my old roommate (who finally cut his hair!) and a lot of other of my seniors who i haven't seen in ages... i also met my batch mates who i had to part with when i reached japan. and then we traveled to the camp site by guess what? a public bus... try squeezing 30 something malaysians into a japanese bus and this is what you get...
alan slept until he looked like this... kinda sad right?
(if you can't read the letters near the arrow, it reads 'there was some poor japanese girls stuck here ><...)
well we reached quite late, and i found out... that... there are also forests in tokyo... sweat... this place had no reception for handphones... imagine this, this is the center for all of technology in asia, and there is no handphone reception!!! well i didn't have anyone to call so i guess it was alright... we had an hour to bath and make dinner, when you think of it, it doesn't sound hard right, let me get you the real picture, we had to start our own fire with our own fire wood with WET newspapers + we had to take our bath in the public bath... I, and a few others asked the others to bath while we start the fire... boy was i stupid, it took about 25 minutes to start the good damn fire... then i headed with the others to the ofuro (public bath)... you know at first you don't think much about taking off all your clothes and entering the place, until you are standing with your underwear and realize that some people are actually watching you so carefully... (vomit vomit!!!) well after blushing and trying to figure out how the god d*mn taps work i managed to clean myself and get into the tub of boiling hot water to relax (ok i know i'm exaggerating by saying it's boiling, but it was around 45 degrees Celsius for god's sake, i felt like an egg being boiled). when i returned to the fire, the girls managed to cook something for us to eat, some of our seniors went on hungry that night because of a miscommunication of food rations... thanks and sorry to those people... well at night we slept quite late trying to catch up on how everyone was doing...
three cobras together againall of us in the tatami room where we spent our first night
the second day was kinda weird to me i guess, we woke up early in the morning to wait for the other older seniors to arrive, and we all decided to make instant noodles for breakfast, here's the catch, there was no hot water... we had to boil it using the wood stove again... it freaking took an hour to making 'instant' noodles... well at least i had fun with the fire...
me cutting wood for fireme with 'MY' fire!elaine frying us eggs (see the oil? it could fill a gas tank...)cobra style sandwich eating! (thanks to the girls for letting us have that delicious sandwich!!!)
looks like doraemon forgot a few meals right?
well we then went and 'received' the seniors that came and proceed to go hiking...
our beloved seniorshiking up the mountain, can you believe nearly 60 of us got lost together for around 5 minutes? hahaha
i never really believed in camera tricks so much until i saw this picture, no randy is not some monster we found in the forest, he is one of my favourite seniors! :)
if you want it to be boring i can say they are both acting it out, but you can imagine it the fun way, the mountain giant killing the handsome prince... ( yes i know many people are going -.-" )

at the top of the mountain!
after having lunch and a photo session, we head back down to our camp site for the big barbecue... i found a small shinto shrine with coins at it's altar, i gave some and made a wish for a person to be safe... won't tell you all who she is, opss i said she, but i didn't say she was japanese right hahaha... ( writing out what i think in my head is kinda stupid right :P ) i didn't catch a picture of it cause i think it would have been disrespectful... the barbecue was a success if you consider each person eating about 300 ml of oil, 30 sausages, some mee goreng, a delicious fruit salad (thanks mj and friends for that), and burning your hands while you cooked a good barbecue... but overall, i really had fun, except for the part where i accidentally burnt Chan's face (i still feel very sorry and bad about that, gomen Chan...)
who the hell is blocking the mee that took us an hour to make?!our sausages and chicken being prepared by our suai ke...
james did start the fire, but, he went crazy after that... poor james...the juniors introducing ourselves... i was first... i just remember saying something about being a rotten banana... elaine's intro was the best i guess, cause she got an encore...the fire dying down after us finishing our intros...
the next day was fun though, we headed to odaiba, a man made island (according to lai). we saw the rainbow bridge and the big ferris wheel, fuji tv's science museum, the toyata showroom and a lot of other stuff. we also had a all you can eat buffet for lunch which had a chocolate fountain. i bought lots of sweets for my classmates... i hope they liked it...
at odaiba buying sweets for classmates!us at the pathway in odaiba near the monorail station...the chocolate fountain... (drool drool...)fuji tv's building, the big ball is made out of titaniumin the big ball... i saw these two kids playing... so cute...the view from fuji tv's 25 floor was just breath-taking...the rainbow bridge in the background and a replica of the statue of liberty...according to a sign nearby, this was the worlds largest pedestrian bridge... well it had some cool suspension cables, so i guess we can believe it...there were some cool wild flowers planted at the end of the pedestrian bridge...we stopped at a cool mall where they had a ceiling that changed from daytime to afternoon to evening and then finally nighttime...
after visiting all those places we rushed back to shinjuku and meet with our own college seniors and headed back to wakayama... during the bus ride back, i forgot to take my camera down with me... i thought i lost my camera forever, but guess what? after calling the bus company, they said they have my camera and said sorry to me... (i still don't understand why they apologized but, for those people who think japanese people are hypocrites eat this...) they said i'll have to pay for postage (300 yen) and guess what? 3 days later, my camera is back with me... ain't japan wonderful? it really took me long to write this post (over 5 hours over two days) and i hope it means something to the people who read it, i'm sorry if i missed out anything, and thanks to those who read it and made my time worth it...

Maybe everything is meant to be broken but...

2008-04-29T06:57:00.001-07:00

Seriously this is one of my all time favourite movies and the song is one of my favourite songs. at times, i wish that i could be Nicholas Cage and say those words that he said, and well, be loved and love like there was nothing else that mattered in this world... i have always believed that the first time had to always go right, but i finally figured out i was wrong, and that they are always second chances in life even though you screw up badly the first time, someone once told me something very simple, and it's one of my principles in life now, might sound stupid but,

You only lose when you give up... anything is possible, nothing is impossible...

CITY OF ANGELS - IRIS - GOO GOO DOLLS

One day of my life...

2008-04-29T03:32:00.000-07:00

today is showa day... to people who don't understand what that means (like me also...) it translates to a holiday... well i'd like to share with everyone 1 very typical day i have here when i have no class.
activity 1
waking up...
i wake up by saying hi to mr. tiger, i won him at the UFO catcher machine in the supermarket with one try... so he is my lucky charm...
activity 2
since i wake up quite late, around 10am, i prepare brunch right away...
today i prepared my special 'murtabak like chicken' for my tutor, well actually he isn't, (my tutor was at a baseball match) but he pretty much takes care of me also... so i thought i'd return the favour... as you can see on his face, it tasted good... hehehe
i ate spinach fried with chillies and some sausages. sounds sad but it tasted good and well i just didn't have enough time...
activity 3
today is the inter-hostel-mates badminton and volleyball competition. volleyball was held early but i didn't take part so it doesn't matter...
say hello to my 23000 yen racket (RM750) hehehe...
i took part in our badminton competition, along with a few other foreign students and one japanese guy. well...there was around 15 teams consisting of 6 people in each team... we weren't much of wining team material... our team name... was... 僕らはマレーシアから、時々ヴィエトナム（we're from malaysia sometimes vietnam) we had 4 malaysians, 1 vietnam guy and 1 japanese guy on our team...this was the only picture i took when i was playing cause i was too busy trying to 'focus', well these two girls stole my focus away though muhahaha...
even though we were the black sheep... (baa baa baa...) we managed to get 2nd place which i consider a great great achievement... we won three 100 yen tickets to use in the school's shop (koperasi)...
but the best part was... i had fun... i made a lot of new friends... i'm being called ero-kawaii... which means flirty(?) and cute... hehehe... i'm making quite a name for myself...
our team, the six of us... the vietnam guy is squating (far right), his tutor, the guy how's shoulder i'm holding...
these are my seniors (who are one year younger than me... sob sob...) they said i have a cute smile... -.-"
these are some of badminton club members and some of my friends... hehehe...

the best part of today was buying my bento (box lunch) and eating it at the small harbour nearby while watching the sunset... taking everything in, and thanking god that i'm having a good time... i hope i can forget the remainder of my sorrowful love life and all those bad memories i once had from now on... it's time to move on right?

one more week gone by...

2008-04-24T06:15:00.000-07:00

well well... one more week has gone by... i've been trying my best to get along with everybody... but they still treat me like an outsider... it's not like they don't talk to me or anything... but it's just that they still treat me as an outsider... it's not bad or anything, it's just that they are only three types of people around me, with the exception of my tutors and the other foreign students.

type a - the overly friendly and helpful type...
Me: yo...
A: gane... good morning.
Me: good morning.
A: how was badminton pratice?
Me: it was ok...
A: how's the weather?
Me: it's...
A: if anything is wrong you can always come to me...
Me: err...
A: don't worry... everything will be fine, earthquakes won't happen here...
Me: i didn't ask about earthquakes...
A: (talking to self) but sometimes there is strong winds and hurricanes...
Me: i think i'll be leaving now...
A: (continues talking to self) bla bla bla...

type b - the overly shy type
Day 1
Me: good morning...
B: (runs away)
Day 2
Me: Ah... how are you doing?
B: (looks at me with teary puppy dog eyes)
Me: i'm sorry, i swear i won't ask you how you are doing again!
B: (runs away)
Day 3
Me: good morning?
B: (shyly and quietly) good morning...
Me: wow, you finally talked to me...
B: (runs away)
Me: GOD help me...

type c - the cool type
Day 1
Me: good morning
C: youss...
Day 2
Me: hey what happened...
C: (cuts me halfway) YOUSS...
Day 3
Me: good...
C: (cuts me again) Youss...
Me: can't you say anything other than youss?
C: (shakes head) youss...

(stories may have been overly exaggerated for the fact that the writer is too free and is able to think of too much nonsense...)

hahaha, but at least i can see some of them turning around, the juniors finally accept that i'm their senior and greet me normally without the fearful look like i'm going to kill them anymore... the girls don't look at the floor when they walk by me anymore, they either greet me or smile at me... so it's not so bad anymore... well there still are a few people who fail to acknowledge i'm a living creature, but i guess asking everyone to treat me as a human seems impossible at the moment... but obviously... every 'gaijin' (outsider) seems unique here cause it's a far away place with not much foreigners around. so it's obvious they are going to need more than just the 3 weeks that has passed. maybe after around 3 months they'll get around...
and today... i hurt my leg (calf strain i guess) while jogging... and tomorrow is our 50m sprint test... die... hehehehe.... oh... and i nearly got hit by a baseball...

Finally... internet in my room...

2008-04-20T01:11:00.000-07:00

Two weeks have gone by since school started. Met a lot of new people, joined the badminton society, did badly in my physical test, become shorter and fatter... Hahaha... but surprisingly enough, i'm fitting in quiet well, the people here are quiet like malaysians and they are extremely kind. As usual though they are always the hard part about doing official stuff like getting bank accounts and all kinds of stuff done, i'm halfway through that and i feel like a royal idiot cause this place is so different from kl... at a few times i felt like giving up, and going back home to my mom, but the fact is, i am here cause i want to make her and everybody else proud. it feels like years have passed by since my bestest of best friends left me at the airport and waved goodbye at me, i miss them dearly... i hope they read this often... (ya, sorry for not updating for 2 weeks+)
Classes are quiet though since the other students already studied the 'special' subjects for 2 years already... other than that, i'm doing quiet well, i'm quiet popular in school because, supposedly i'm huge! my nickname here would probably be 'DEKKAI' which means monstorous... i don't quiet like it, but at least some of the girls like me (ahem ahem cough cough)... as usual, there also are the pretty boys and pretty girls which i don't think i'd be able to communicate with them, so those people who i promised catalogs to have to wait... hahaha...
My tutor is a baseball players and always busy with practice but he actually takes time to help me to my stuff and is actually genuinely concern about me, so i like him. in the badminton club, the training is from monday to sunday, yup you heard me right, it's everyday... i'm trying to go everyday but it's really tough, luckly the seniors like me, so they let me slide most of the time... hehehe, the best part of being a foreigner is that i guess, people pity you... some more i look cute right, that's why i think they love me so much!

this is where i've been jogging recently

the best part of this place it the scenery i guess...

i look cool right...

Danger, waves!

A special type of sushi available only in few places like Gobo! Cheese melted onto half cooked fish!

thanks to this guy, we got to eat home made tako yaki(fried octopus balls)! thanks Teo senpai!

Our seniors and us at a sushi house after bowling...

I'm there...

2008-04-02T18:18:00.000-07:00

Well i arrived a lot earlier, but i didn't have any internet connection to go online. Everyone don't worry. I'm using my seniors line to online now but I'll be hooked up in the next one month i guess. I stayed in Shinagawa prince hotel upon my arrival and moved to Toko hotel during my 5 days in Tokyo. I've been here in wakayama for around 4 days today. I have to cook myself cause the hostel people are not in to cook. I also learnt that i have to cook every wekend unless i buy a special ticket for meals on sunday and saturday... my room was a nightmare... the senior before me who used my room was extremely dirty and therefore he left behind a roach infested fridge for me... hahaha... it was kind of funny to think that i ws so grossed out... don't worry don't worry... the school cleaner cleaned the fridge for me and mopped the floor for me. the rest of the cleaning i did and my room is quite clean now. seriously wakayama is far from what i thought it would be, but i realized that all my life i never have gotten what i wanted before, and therefore, i'm going to make the best of what i have here. so far the people here have been great to me and i'll repay them for their kindness in being what i've always been... the weather here is cold, around 7-10 degrees. the wind makes it even worst at times. but here in wakayama, the wind is always here, and it makes it kind of even worst. to all my friends who read this post, i'm sorry, really, i'm very sorry that i haven't contacted you all yet, but the thing is, i really don't have internet or a phone of my own yet. i really miss all of you all, i can't write all your names down i'm sorry, but i swear i really do miss all of you already. until i have more time to write again, love gane...

15 hours away...

2008-03-26T03:58:00.000-07:00

Some of you all should know that i sang Leaving on a jet plane during our annual dinner...

All my bags aren't packed, I'm so not ready to go,
My dad is lonely, my mom is so sad,
and I hate to say my goodbyes...
Luggage is more than 20kgs,
Don't know if I should pay MAS more money,
and I don't know if I should bring that extra underwear!!!

So kiss me and smile for me,
tell me you all be alright,
cause I'm leaving on a MAS airplane,
don't know if I'll reach Japan at all....

Hahaha.... I'd write more if I had time but sadly... I barely have 15 hours left, my luggage is over packed by 5kgs, it translates to 350 ringgit in excess money to be paid to MAS... how can I pack my life into one single suitcase? That is what they are asking me to do... Anyways, I met with my old friend yesterday WNG... If you know her then you know, if not sorry lo... hahaha... She kept me company last night until 2am, and in the end she hugged me before I left. Now, everything seems so clear, but I don't know how to describe what I felt, it felt like all the uncertainty I had went away. She represented all my friends cause she was the last person I could actually sit down and talk to, one last casual meeting before I board a 6 hour flight, I felt my nervousness leave me. Today my mom hugged me, she said for me to take care of myself there.... And i guess I'm myself again... I'm ready to go to Japan, No Fear. I'm going to finish up my packing, eat my last home cooked meal, and rest on my bed for one more time before I go. And to everybody out there who has made me ready to go tomorrow and have taken care of me, I'd like you to imagine me singing this song to you all...

Dido: Thank You

My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad

I drank too much last night, got bills to pay,
my head just feels in pain
I missed the bus and there'll be hell today,
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply
that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad,
it's not so bad and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Push the door, I'm home at last
and I'm soaking through and through
Then you hand me a towel
and all I see is you
And even if my house falls down,
I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me and

I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

Farewell my friends

2008-03-24T22:33:00.001-07:00

Yesterday i went to Sunway and ate a buffet style steamboat with my old friends. Day before I went with another group of friends to Telok Gong in Klang for one hell of a nice seafood extravaganza... Regrettable but I don't have any pictures of the lunch in Klang. I had a grerat time on both days. Today is Tuesday and tomorrow is probably the last day I'll have in Malaysia before I go and probably yesterday was the last time I'll meet with any of my friends. My family and friends which i thought I'd never miss because I've been with them for so long that I know every mark and wrinkle on their face... But today I suddenly felt it, a long sharp pain in my chest that I may never get to see some of this people again. Those people who took me to a zoo, those people who played DOTA with me, I really might never get to see them again, feels so untrue yet real and it's stings my heart so badly. They might go overseas, they might start working, hell, by the end of 5 years they might even have gotten married without me knowing. Seriously, I know I'm thinking a little too far and crazily... It's just that I've begun to realize what a bunch of special friends I had through out my life. Once I got cheated by a girl and used until i was nearly at my wits end, they held me through, all of them, they made me smile they made me laugh. Never in my life I've ever felt the need to say thank you to these people who always stay by me, but through this painful experience I had, I realized that these people I called friends and who stay by me no matter how much crap I put them through, are really people that i truly should love and cherish, and I am beginning to do that nowadays. I really never thought that anyone would care for me when I leave to Japan, never knew that some people really felt sad that I was going away. That girl I one time loved, she doesn't even care if I die, but these friends of mine, they really do, and I just realized how stupid I have been. My relatives and all, I know that I'll be missed, and I will truly miss you all too. But this one post, I dedicate to my FRIENDS, thank you all, and I'm sorry if i ever done anything wrong to you all, like Thain Hock, I won't use VS to swap you anymore... Thanks you all, I'll do well there and make all of you proud of me!!!

Muar...

2008-03-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

Yo, i still haven't met up with seiko sensei since last monday, and she hasn't replied my email... so my hands are tied about noah's photo... but, i did go to muar with tasaki and seiko sensei there together... Seiko sensei actually lights up when she eats... She goes 'emm... emm... ooishiiiiii...' kind of gets me every time she does that... she's kind of old but she still acts (and looks) like a kid... anyways since i was going to stay over they decided to leave early and i spent the night at wei shen's house... his dad is super cool and his mom's cooking is good. she actually cooks after coming back from work everyday. Basically when the teachers were there we went around in his dads's car. we sampled nearly all of the famous foods stuff that was available there. The second day was consisted of more food sampling by bike and a meeting with our no.1 girl of ppktj Gan ELAINE!!!

Still quite cute ya?

Elaine on a bike... Shocking? Na... she looked like all the other girls around also on bikes

Wei shen was left with his dad's bike to take me around cause his younger bro was using his... hehehe

sam's cafe... where i had one hell of a great chicken chop...

Sunday morning rain is falling...

2008-03-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

Don't know why but i can't get this song out of my head... sunday morning by maroon 5. I got the tickets for tasaki sensei, seiko sensei and me to muar today. Will be going there on monday for a day i guess. I feel like i'm waiting for tommorow to come, feels like something amazing is going to happen tommorow. My life recently has returneed to it's mundane pace like it was before. Life after losing so much of yourself seems impossible at first but as you go along that road you slowly realize that nothing is impossible. Even though sometimes in life there are things which you just wish you could change, you can't, and don't try, cause it will only hurt you more. I realized in this few short weeks that you can always be the best person you can be but people are always going to hurt you no matter what. Emm, i think i should stop losing myself like this when i write... Oh ya, i went to Pantai Medical Centre with Kimura Tasaki and Ito Seiko sensei yesterday to see Sato sensei's baby, Noah his name is... Very cute guy... already moving and all, can even open his eyes a bit... when i get the picture of him from Ito Seiko sensei i will upload it... The baby's features are already quiet visible, he looks like a tough guy like his dad hehehe... But Sato sensei looks very tired so we could only stay for awhile... Then all the PPKTJ students 2007/2009 who are reading this, remember, we only have 2 WEEKS left... Haih, it's getting kind of hard to get over the fact i'm going to leave this place for so long... Haiz... I've been going around in circles to my old houses and the old places i used to hang out in. Even started taking pictures of those places so i won't forget them... I'm going mad aren't I.... Hahaha... Well I think I'm getting a little melodramatic... ok ok... since i got very little time today also, this is all i will write for now....

... god help me...

2008-03-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

Seriously for the past week i have been fully occupied and i am nearly drained to bits... just went back to kedah for the weekend and celebrated my dad's birthday yesterday, i drove to and back nearly the whole way... i am tired like hell but i got football to play today hehehe... but the truth is i know i have many things to do... don't know when i am going to finish the sabah trip thing... malas to remember balik all the things we did (but i did already get the photos done...) the recent elections, which i would like to call the super elections took place and bn was dealt a heavy blow... tension seems on the rise every where i look and i don't feel to comfortable here anymore... and worst of all, people around me are saying goodbye to me like i am going to die... why is it going away some where far worries everybody? i know i am going to miss all of them but isn't the whole reason i am going to japan so i don't become a useless piece of thrash and make all of them proud? why do people make me so sad eh?... recently, talks about my 'past' love has come about and my thoughts are scrambled again, seriously your first love is the hardest to forget right?... kind of miss her a lot and thinking of the times she and i had together, i still wonder why she chose to play with my heart like that, i wonder why she said all those lovely things which she never really meant, i wonder why i never realised she was lying to me and why my heart couldn't accept the truth for so long... but like my sister and ito seiko sensei said... it's best that i forget that person who used me, get over her as fast as possible, leave when i'm still not shattered... easier said than done right? i know there are many people like me out there... cheated, used and worst of all, feel wrong even though we didn't do anything wrong... well to all those people, hang in there, we all will see the end of the tunnel some day, so 頑張れ!!! and yes i am going to be very occupied for this one month, so expect less updates and more rantings from me....

Sabah Day 2

2008-03-01T05:34:00.000-08:00

Hmm, the second day we woke up quite early, around 7 I think, had some curry Laksa at the shop across the hostel and waited for our guide to come pick us up. Lazarus Gubi was our guide, everyone was calling him Lazarus, but i really wanted to call him Gubi...

Not the right way to hide from the sun, please dont use your blanky to cover the sun...

Hmm on our way we stopped at this town that really looked familiar with all those old buildings you can see when you go on the old roads in the Semananjung... We stopped at a place called Tuaran which was famous for... Tuaran Mee... basically it's a mee made from a lot of eggs... hmm, it was very appetizing, Lai set a record of eating 5 plates...

Our hostess of the day. Alan's mum and his younger cousin sister came along with us.

Our first destination was the foot of Mount Kinabalu...

Mount Kinabalu was kind of hard to get a picture of cause the car was constantly on the move...

I'd like to say it again, we are poor... So instead of going up Mount Kinabalu, we came here... To the botanical park of Kinabalu...

There was amazing plants there but what would a bunch of guys going to become engineers understand about plants??? However the other guides (our guide is only a driver, so he stayed outside...) who were guiding the tourist in the park were very enthusiastic though, one quy was talking Japanese and was saying, 'この豆の中に種がたくさんなりますよ...' Marvel at nature... Unfortunately this tree was cut down...We headed to this hot springs in a different place after the park, we crossed a bridge were there was this crazy river. This river was very fast and very 'garang'... So we changed it's name from Mamut to Maut...

The hots springs turned out to be a 'warm and dirty' springs, so we decided to play in the pool... which was more cold than my butt...

After our little play in the pool we headed towards the long houses where they sold art crafts and also a lot of cool shirts... This was our last stop before we headed to our hostel again. As you can see in the photo, the day got pretty foggy and our guide went like 'Sya tinggal kat sni ba, dah biasa ba ni smua...' at least that is what i colud understand... The long house was at Kundasang...

At night was pretty plain, we went for dinner with Alan's mom and cousin again. We treated them this time, we at a coffee house like place which had a delicious chicken broth (soup). Other than that the sea food was great.
At night at the hostel was pretty boring...

Past and Present

2008-02-29T22:39:00.000-08:00

A little bit touching right? I still remember when I was at my seniors graduation ceremony but now our juniors are sending us away... SOB SOB.... HAHAHAHA

Anyway, let me introduce our batch 07-09 juniors to everyone (if blur and got name errors sorry...)

Two lovers from Kedah (not a fact)... Ling Chiek is as tall as me and he always smiles... Beh is.... ummm... don't know....

This two I know very little about, just that Careen is really shy and PS2 小孩子 really likes the PS2

JJ Thompson aka Dong Shen is also a fanatic of computer games and the PS2, roommates with PS2 小孩子... Mr Bean is a lot like Mr. Bean, also very into gaming...

This is Teng Sion Ing, the girl who never sleeps and now has gotten No. 1 three times out of three already, a fun person if you can handle her short attention span... And beside her is Hui Ling a girl who looks like she is standard 3 but is smarter than me, but also quite shy....

This is Jia Jie aka JJ, one of my favourite juniors, always talking and always worried that he is not doing well in his studies, but overall, he is one of our best juniors, quite friendly... Beside him is Lai Sze Yang, aka Lai hentai, cause he looks like that i guess, we don't want to mix him up with our KT Lai so he got that name... He's dating Lydia now according to latest info...

This is Lydia... and Jet Wei... If you want to know more about Jet Wei please contact Wei Jian... Hehehe... Lydia is a happy go lucky girl, who I think at times get bullied by the others...

This is the two most handsome juniors according to a poll of 14 seniors, Yang Chao aka KFC (something to do with his email having that words...) and Hong Yao (-1 is because he is one year younger than the others)... They two are very very 乱 but very helpful at the same time... overly friendly and always willing to talk with you until they forget to study....
This two are very interesting, King Ying is know as Masaomi cause he looks a lot like Masaomi Sensei... Also a great master of gaming... Zhong Ing is a warm and very talkative and pleasant to be with, quite your everyday girl which is rare in PPKTJ...
This is Chiah Sing Yin who is currently ranked number duo for also 3 times in a row d... Has a very outgoing personality... And Pei Loon, also know as Kedah 小孩子... also looks like he is still in Form 3... i'm very jealous of all of them cause they look young....This is also one of my favourite juniors, Lim Jun Hao, his nickname is ayam plus cause he palys football and his jersey is sponsored by ayam plus... very funny guy... at times he really looks like a mummy... and there gal is pui san which also wei jian and chang yuan know very well...Angel and demon... Not! Lee Hua is real kid, his laughing sound is questionable but he is a good guy i guess, other then the fact he is quite short... Wai San is another shy type girl who rarely socializes with the senior guys...As the pictures says, this girl is the suai girl in their batch, literally... Also, her name Paulina Sling comes because she has a sling back which she always carries... quite good communication skills also this girls...

Sabah Day 1 part two

2008-02-27T22:28:00.000-08:00

The first day was quite long and tiring, the flight and all the walking we did was overwhelming... Let continue with day uno...
I didn't catch any photos at the place we ate lunch cause it was kind of like any other shopping mall you'd see anywhere... Now this was special, the market here is most run by Philippines people, and it was separated into a few different markets, a fruit one, a vegetable one, a salted fish section (which ultimately stank)

The guys were about ready to pull just about anybody to sew something for some money...

Also a craft section (where i got cheated of my money... damn them conniving Philippines!!!)

At the end of the market was a pier like place (which also stank cause of the market nearby). Here me and Lai Chai Ei pose like we are on board the Titanic like Jack and Rose.

A nice spot to sit relax and have a coffee... Too bad we didn't have time for that.

The last place we went to before dinner was this place that looked totally out of place in KK. Why you ask? Caused it looked very cool compared to all the old buildings around. Plus the design had a western fell to it, therefore one would feel like they just entered an American boutique lane when they pass through here.We took a cab (all cabs run not by the meter here, and have a fixed price for around rm12 to rm20) to the Tanjung Aru Plaza, near Alan's house. His parents treated us to a scrumptious meal that night. There was a whole pig's leg which many of us couldn't down cause of the fat, but i did try some and it was surprisingly nice, but it ended there, i didn't try another piece. The prawns were absolutely irresistible, and everything was delicious, including the Chinese tea which i think i drank a pot of.

Sabah Day 1 part one

2008-02-27T19:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm setting this up secretly as a suprise for my family, so i think i should add some stuff here before i tell them. I'll be leaving to Japan on the 27th March 2008. Kind of have 1 month before that. I thought i should also write about my experience in Sabah recently too, since not many people know what i did (because i had no time to tell them >o<)
First day, 21st February 2008. At the LCC terminal, all ready to head to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. From the left Vincent, Ah Tuck, Wei Shen and me haven't been on an airplane before... so we were kind of nervous. From the right is Alan and Chai Ei. Alan's place is where we were headed towards.
Our ride, the Airbus 300...
Before take off...
During flight... We had some snacks onboard, a mini hotdog worth rm7 and a mini nasi briyani worth rm8... :'( Expensive... But we were too hungry to resist.
We reached KK! Took around 2 hours 20 minutes.

At KKIA, waiting for our van and guide to pick us up.

BULUKUMBA... I thought it was a headhunting tribes name.... but it was just a mini bus...

At our hoStel... Ahem ahem... we were too poor to book a hotel, but it had nice basic facilities the Red Palm, nice bathrooms and cozy rooms with ac, also had a lounge near reception with internet a PC with internet access (supposedly, everyone was only permitted to use it 15 minutes each time...) Oh ya, there's also free breakfast, bread, kaya, butter, and coffee and tea. Definitely will go back again since there is a friendly girl who looks pretty... hehehe you'll see her later

Terrapins climbing on each other at the Red Palm hostel lounge, very cute... NO they weren't doing anything nasty...